Two Idiots and A Baby
by imfallingforyoureyes102
Summary: What's worse than raising a baby in Dauntless? Letting a couple of idiots raise said baby in Dauntless. Small, short stories of Tobias and Zeke taking up the task of watching a curious Theo while Tris is away, the only outcome being pure chaos. Light hearted, family fluff. Theo at all baby ages. Coincides with My Little Soldier.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, this is a new series of little one shots between Theo and Tobias. It mainly focuses on how the two idiots we have come to know and love, Tobias and Zeke, take on the task of babysitting little Theo while Tris is away doing who knows what. Takes place in third person. If you guys have any ideas that you want me to write about, then pm or review or something. I hope you like these.**

** This is also showing a lighter side of Tobias, who may seem more serious at times in MLS (My Little Soldier).**

** Disclaimer: Only Theo is mine, and not Theo James.. Veronica Roth is still the Queen.**

**Two Idiots and the "Stop the Damn Video Taping and Get Me Outta This!"**

"So."

"So."

One would normally think that seeing two fully grown men – well built, slightly rough, intimidating grown men – walking around the Dauntless compound with a gurgling and kicking baby strapped to one of their chests was, well, disturbing to say in the slightest. Even if it was the Dauntless prodigy Four and his best friend Zeke. But, then again, the rowdy faction had seen a lot weirder things in the past – oddly enough, however, involving the same curious trio. Apparently running through the halls with a baby in a football hold was frowned upon. Even in Dauntless.

Four stretched his arms above his head, groaning, and let out a loud yawn before quickly lowering his arms and securing them back around Theo's little body. Nevermind that he was strapped to Four's body with what Christina called the "Supreme Ultimate Baby Satchel X1." He wasn't about to trust some weird-ass contraption to hold his baby when he barely even trusted himself. Theo was like and ADHD squirrel on some kinda hype – never still. Ever. Even while being carried he proved to be difficult. And that combined with a sleep deprived father never turned out well.

Still tired, Zeke nearly ran into the stone wall as the trio rounded the corner and, if not for Four's quick reflexes, would have been on the ground with a face that resembled a slightly beat up pancake.

"Tell me again, _why _and _how _Shauna convinced Tris to go fricking strawberry picking at this ungodly hour?" Four whispered sourly. Zeke just smiled and gave a small wink.

"Tell _me _again how two women barely half your size and just as sleep deprived as you managed to pin you down on the floor and, might I add, attach a live _human being _to your chest without so much as a slight hiccup?"

Four rolled his eyes as they neared the Dining Hall.

"For one, I was already on the floor when they got to me."  
Zeke smirked slightly, remembering clearly that Four had been jumping from couch to table to chair in an attempt to dodge the girls and somehow, in all that, had ended up on his back on the ground with the two she-devils sitting on top of him.

"And second," Four continued in a huff. "You don't freaking whip out a camera and video tape the whole thing when your best friend is being straddled on the floor and forcibly attached to another life form!" Four finished, his voice steadily growing into a quiet yell.

A small gurgle dragged Four's gaze downward to a smiling Theo and he gently rocked the baby.

"Not that I mind being strapped to you, baby boy," He cooed.

"Ah. Man. Not _again._" Zeke nudged the clueless duo slightly and they both looked up to see the entire Dining Hall staring at them. Some with amused expressions, like Gwen and Will, and some with shocked expressions like, say, the whole female population.

"You think they heard all that - ,"  
"Oh we heard all that, all right!" Christina yelled from the crowd. Zeke groaned and Four somehow managed to grow to resemble the bright red streak that donned Marlene's hair. Theo, on the other hand, had been incredibly taken with all the stares that had been thrown his way and began giggling loudly while kicking his feet.

So, as anyone would, and with as much dignity as the two could possibly muster, which was none, the two turned on their heel and left the cafeteria as fast as they had come.

**TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB**

Finally, in the safety and confines of the control room, Four plopped down in his chair with a groan.

"There goes our man cards," Zeke whispered dejectedly.

"And our dignity," Four chimed in.

"And our reputation."

"Don't forget any chance of not being the but of a joke for the next year."

The two men shook their slightly deflated, less ego-centric heads and started working, Theo sitting happily in his father's lap as he watched him type. Theo's eyes widened in fascination as he slowly connected the clicking noise to the keys being pressed. His small, pudgy fingers slowly reached out towards the keys before his father's hands gently closed around his. Four couldn't help but smile when he was greeted with Theo's wide, questioning eyes – identical to his own.

"If you send that to the Erudite, baby boy, I'm a dead man."

Theo let out a frustrated gurgle and proceeded to swat Four's hands away, insistent on making that clicking noise.

"Oi! Theo! You want me dead?" Four gasped, clutching one hand to his chest in an attempt to hold in his fast beating heart and the other pulling Theo away from the keyboard. "Those are Dauntless secrets," Four said exasperatedly, not fully grasping the fact that the tiny baby could care less for what he was saying. "You send," Four continued slowly. "Daddy dead."

Four flopped his head to one side and stuck his tongue out, giving his son what he thought to be a pretty good dead man impression. The chiming of laughter, however, made Four snap his eyes open and he stared at his son in disbelief.

"You think it's funny, don't you?" he questioned the baby, tickling his sides. Theo shrieked as the laughing only intensified. "You think it's funny if daddy gets his balls cut off by Eric don't you? Zeke can you believe this – You have got to be kidding me! You're unbelievable!"

Zeke stared at Four, wide eyed and sheepishly through the lens of the video camera that currently displayed a bright green light – the tell tale sign for recording.

"First you let two girls attack me, and now you nearly let my own son attempt murder on me. I am seriously reconsidering this best friend thing."

During the time of Four's scolding a blushing Zeke, Theo had somehow managed to back out of the top secret files and into a less self-destructive one about shipments. Four, however, didn't catch the transaction and nearly had a heart attack when he saw a pudgy finger stabbing the send button.

"Holy fu – fudge crackers. Theo James Eaton I swear - ," Four scrolled through the history files with a trembling hand before seeing the harmless files and letting out a cry of relief.

"Holy lord," Four gasped while drawing as far away from the computer as possible, his arms wrapped in a vice-like grip around the squealing baby. "Eric would have had my as – butt, he'd have had my butt for that. Da – Dang – My goodness I wish I could swear right now."

Zeke once again was speechless – first on the account of his best friend's non-cuss cuss words and second on the fact that this was the most out of order he'd ever seen Four.

"We're leaving," Four said, standing up after recovering. "Come on. We've missed lunch and I need a beer. Get this thing off of me." he said, raising his arms slightly and gesturing to the baby carrier – only now realizing how hot he had become.

"Er..." Zeke stared at the contraption in question before first removing the baby – or as Four was now calling him the "Portable Mini Heater," from his body.

"Watch him," Zeke mumbled as he set Theo on the floor and proceeded to remove the carrier – or attempt too. After what seemed like hours, Zeke stepped back in defeat.

"It can't me this hard - ,"  
"Where's Theo?" Four interrupted, looking around frantically.

"I told you to watch him!"

"I was. I turn around for one minute and - ,"  
"There!"

Nearing the slightly opened door was a determined looking Theo on a mission and, in the mad dash to go and retrieve him, the two men somehow found themselves on the floor in a dog pile, Zeke breaking off a crucial piece to the carrier and unknowingly leaving Four forever stuck in the baby carrier.

The two groaned as they scrambled back up, Four sporting a cut lip and Zeke a nice bump to the head. Four and Zeke, idiots at best, both leaned down to grab Theo at the same time resulting in yet another Theo-induced injury.

"Come here you little tyke," Four growled and swooped him up in his arms – Zeke still lying on the floor defeated. A slight gasp caused them both to look up.

A young girl, no older that Tris looked at the misfit three in front of her, taking in the grown man on the floor, the Dauntless prodigy with a bloody lip and contraption around his middle, and the happy as can be baby in his arms.

"Uh -,"  
"Don't tell Tris," Four blurted out before carefully dragging Zeke back in and shutting the door.

"Get up, man! It won't come off!" Four whisper shouted frantically as he set his son securely on the chair before tugging at the prison.

"Yeah, about that," Zeke said shyly while holding the out the broken piece.

"We need help."

**TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB**

And that was how they found themselves on their way to Tori's – Four clad in a sweatshirt way to small for him. He had insisted that the only thing weirder that what the Dauntless had seen this morning was him wearing a baby carrier without a baby in it. Never mind the fact that the sweatshirt was squeezing him from all angles. And there was no way in hell that he would let Theo back into this prison. So, there they were, banging on Tori's shop, completely ignoring the closed sign.

"I'm coming, I'm coming – what in the hel-heck is going on?" She waved off Four's pointed look at her almost "naughty" word and let them in.

"What is going – Four? Why do you look pregnant?"

"Surprise?"

**TIAABTIIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB**

After explaining the horrendous day they had, they all stood in silence as Tori slowly took every thing in. She glanced wearily at the two men and then at Theo before bursting out in laughter.

"Are you serious?!" She gasped, literally wiping tears from her eyes. Four and Zeke glanced at each other in question. "I mean honestly. Tris left you two in charge of a baby – a _baby_, and somehow you two end up looking like you just came out of a fight." she roared with laughter, gesturing to Four's now bruised lip and Zeke's swelling bump.

"Next time tell Tris to leave him with me so you guys don't end up looking so broken next time."  
Four let out a sarcastic grin before raising his arms, "So can you get me outta this hell hole or should I ask Mr. Troublemaker over there?"

"You said he - ," Zeke started to point out, sounding like a two year old.

"My baby, my rules. Now get me out." Four practically whined, just waiting to get out of the mess. About three minutes into the "Free Four from the Baby Carrier" mission, a slight buzzing filled the room.

"Zeke, quit playing with the tattoo needles," Tori murmured from behind a screw driver.

"S'not me." Zeke mumbled in his half asleep state. Four's eyes snapped up to see Theo hitting the on and off button like a pro.

"No, no, no, no!" Four grabbed Theo away from the tool as Zeke yelped, not caring that he would have to restart the process of disengaging himself all over again and cradled the baby to his chest.

"Your baby nearly tattooed me!" Zeke cried, mortified at the fact.

"You're going to kill me," Four sighed into the baby's head as he continued to hold his son tightly. The small click and the loosening of the carrier caused Four to re-open his eyes and sigh in relief.

"Freedom," he growled while ripping the retched thing from his body. Tori chuckled as she reached for Theo and cradled the baby to her chest.

"Looks like he's finally tiring out," She whispered as she swayed back and forth.

"C'mon. We owe you some dinner," Four said as he opened the parlor door and dragged Zeke out.

**TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB**

Tris smiled at Shauna as she opened the door for her, and somehow managed to get the assorted strawberries and apples in the appartment and onto the kitchen counter without disaster striking. Two open boxes of pizza met her gaze and the sound of a movie playing about birds in Rio touched her ears.

"Shh." She whispered, a finger pressed to her lips as they silently made their way to the living room.

"Awwww."

On the armchair lay Tori, wide awake and completely invested in the movie. Four and Zeke, on the other hand, sat side by side on the couch, their feet resting on the dining table and their heads knocked together. Light snores escaped their lips as Tris looked down and saw Theo curled up in his father's lap, half his body on Tobias's chest, and his little feet under Zeke's hand.

"Two big babies and one little one, how precious." Shauna cooed in awe. Tori's head snapped up as she slowly rose from her seat. She held up the mangled baby carrier and watched as their mouths dropped open in shock.

"How about two big _idiots_ and one little baby? I'd say that fits more."

** Please review and let me know if you want me to continue these little one shots. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

** Hi, hi, hi! Hello wonderful people, I know it's been a while but certainly not as long as it was before! Another update of _My Little Soldier_ is coming soon, I promise, but for now please enjoy our two favorite idiots dealing with a baby who is too much like Four.**

** Wow, it feels kinda sorta weird writing like that BUT ANYWAY...**

** Thank you for the _25 _reviews I got for the _first _chapter of this story. They are much, much, much appreciated and I love each and everyone of you guys for them. **

** A few questions I need to answer. To _GRACE_**_,_**the guest reviewer. First off, thank you for the review! It really warmed my heart and that is a hard thing to do, since I don't have one. Haha, just kidding. To answer your question about what happens to the baby: That story isn't anywhere near over. These oneshots take place before, throughout, and maybe even after that story. In the last one Theo was, say, quite young. Maybe around three months. So, the oneshot was _months _before _My Little Soldier_. Same with the initiates. There is still more to come!**

** Also, _TRISSYPOO_, I just wanted to say thank you thank you thank you for the review. I am a big fan of your fanfics so I may have gotten a teeny weeny tad bit overly happy at your review. SO THANKS CHICKITA! I know I spelled that wrong..**

** Anyway, enjoy!**

** Disclaimer: I have as much a right to owning Divergent as Zeke does to owning some maturity. **

"_**Tomatoes and Pads and Babies, Oh My"**_

"Tobias, you need a list."

"Tris, seriously, I'll remember."

"You need a list."

"No, I don't. I - ," Tobias grabbed Tris's face between his two rough hands, slightly squishing her, and held it firmly. "I. Do. Not. Need. A. List." he said slowly and loudly, cooing as if he was talking to Theo.

"What did I ask for then?"

Tobias kept his hands placed tightly on both sides of Tris's face, tilting his head sideways as he answered.

"Baby bottles, a pacifier, diapers, apples, diapers, eh... diapers.. and..uh...some, eh.. - ,"

Tris rolled her eyes as she shook her face from Tobias's grasp.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go write you a list, Hotshot." Tobias watched Tris walk past him and into the living room, watched the slight sway of her hips as she bent down and scooped Theo into her arms. Tobias did a quick double take, glancing down at the spot near his feet where a now abandoned fire truck lay. His eyes widened when he looked back up to where Tris had picked him up, a good ten feet away from him. His head slightly tilted as he looked at the baby in Tris's arms.

"How - ?"

"I told you he's fast," Tris smirked as she handed Tobias a squirming Theo and proceeded to write the list.

"Are you sure you and Zeke will be fine with him? I can tell Christina that we can go shopping some other time, or we could all go together, or - ,"

"Tris, seriously, he's my son. I'm not gonna to kill him." He let out a maniacal cackle and lifted his baby above his head. "_Yet_." he growled playfully, bringing him close and blowing on his little stomach. Theo let out a fit of giggles and his swinging feet caught his father below the chin.

Tris laughed, "That's what you get for making death threats to _your son, _genius."

Tobias brought his boy to eye level and stared him dead in the eyes. The sight was quite comical, a man well over six feet holding a baby equivalent to the size of a small stuffed toy, his legs kicking to and fro in the air. Both had dead set serious expressions on their faces.

"You know I'm kidding, don't you baby boy? Daddy would never hurt you. Never ever ever ever." He swung his arm under Theo and propped him up in his arms, planting a kiss on Theo's head as the baby patted his father's face in agreement.

Tris let out a small 'aww' before bringing all three of them back to reality. "Honestly, Tobias, I'm more worried about you and Zeke than Theo," she chuckled as she set the pen down and made her way to her two boys – the now half asleep one who was now grabbing his father's shirt, and the tall and muscular one, staring at her in wounded disbelief.

"What -,"

Tris gently lifted her hand and grazed the fading bruise on Tobias's face, smirking slightly as he sucked in a breath. She shook her head and laughed, returning to the list as a knock sounded through the homely apartment.

"Four, sweetie, _Zekey's here!" _an ear – piercingly, annoying voice wafted through the door. Tobias cringed slightly, wondering how Zeke's low voice could ever possibly get that high and why he would even attempt to make such a noise anyways.

The jostling movement of his father and the unwelcome noise jolted Theo awake and Tobias's eyes widened as he saw the little baby's nose scrunch up and eyes fill with tears. He hurriedly slammed the door open and shot a glare at Zeke before bobbing his son up and down and cooing comforting nonsense into his ear.

"What happened?" Tris's voice called from the kitchen. Tobias and Zeke started to the kitchen, Zeke puffing out his cheeks and pulling at his ears in an attempt to make Theo laugh.

"He saw Zeke's face, what else?" Tris's snort turned into a full blown laugh as Zeke, currently preoccupied with making a fool of himself for Theo's sake, ran right into the wall – Tobias walking swiftly through the doorway. At the sight of Zeke in a crumpled heap, Theo's chime like laughter filled the room. Somehow, it always ended this way – one of them on the ground at the amusement of a certain baby and in pain, and the other, shamelessly holding said baby with panicked eyes. Tobias looked up slowly as Tris looked at the two men, her hands resting lightly on her hips, and set Theo into his high chair. She eyed her husband with a smirk and raised her eyebrows at him.

"This is exactly what I am talking about, Genius."

Tobias bowed his head sheepishly before snatching the small shopping list and backing up out the doorway, his hands held up, palms outward, in surrender.

"Come on, idiot. Get up." he mumbled while passing Zeke, delivering a sharp kick to the ribs. Once the front door was closed the two let out a simultaneous, deep breath and looked at each other with exasperated smiles. They were about to start off down the hallway when Zeke pulled Four back by the collar, a shamed expression on his usually smiling face.

"We forgot the baby."

Four's eyebrows shot to his hairline as he eyed the door.

He gulped.

"Right."

TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB

After a rather embarrassing baby retrieval and watching Tris nearly collapse from laughter, the ego-bruised party made their way down to the Dauntless Grocery Store. Both were practically foreigners to this part of the Compound, seeing that Tris and Shauna normally did the shopping and the fact that Four and Zeke were perfectly content on living off the cafeteria food.

"Okay," Four muttered, gently placing a flopping Theo into a cart and strapping him firmly in. "Baby safety, check." Theo giggled as his father pecked his head and gave it a small pat. "Don't you dare move a muscle, baby boy." he smiled slightly – the smile he saved only for his son and wife.

They quietly strolled along the aisles, Four pushing the cart and Zeke pacing a few feet ahead, making random comments about what was on sale and what looked good. Honestly, to anyone not knowing who the two were, the little trio looked strangely enough like a little family. The way that the man pushing the cart would smile lovingly at the child and then glance to his "partner" every few seconds was kind of heartwarming. Aside from the fact that what was really happening was far from that. Four kept his gaze locked on the small baby who just so happened to be prone to wanting to touch everything – and his best friend – who always seemed to fall victim to a wall or, quite frankly, Theo. This being said, Theo managed to somehow grab ahold of a small toy from a stand while heaps upon heaps of baby diapers were being piled into the cart. A very small toy – yes – but hard, none the less.

"Theo, Four said softly, cautiously eyeing the mischievous twinkle in his son's eyes. The very twinkle that often had him covering his precious parts and disarming his son of any harmful items. "What do you got there, buddy?" Theo's small lips, identical to Tris's, formed into a smile as short bursts of babyish giggles filled the aisle. His pudgy hands clapped against the cart handle and Four couldn't help but cringe when he heard a slight clanging noise. He gently grabbed his son's hand and slowly flipped it over, revealing a small, metal car.

"Theo. Give that to Daddy." Four tried to say sternly, avoiding the baby's big blue eyes at all costs. He could hear Tris's sarcastic voice in the back of his head, 'Stay strong, love. You got this.' Everyone had already joked that if they ended up having another baby – a daughter – Four would be absolutely screwed. He couldn't even say no to Theo and he couldn't even talk yet.

Theo's wide smile turned into a pout, his eyebrows furrowing in the same fashion his father's were now.

"Theo, come on baby boy. That's not yours. It could have germs." Four tried to pry the car from the baby's persistent grasp without hurting him. "Theodore James Eaton," he whispered in a hushed tone. "Why on earth do you have such a tight grip? You. Are. A. Baby." In was obvious to any onlookers who was winning this battle, and it wasn't the Dauntless prodigy.

During the slight engagement occurring between father and son, Zeke rounded the corner, carrying what seemed to be a life's supply of diapers – only they weren't diapers. Ever the intuitive genius, the idiot had looked at the pictures instead of the actual item's name and unknowingly grabbed three or four stacks of pads. Yes. Pads. The pile rose just above head level in such a fashion that he had to crane his neck around the packages just to see. With his view being obstructed, it was easy to miss the awkward stares he was receiving, and easy to miss the situation going on with his best friend and godson.

"Yoowhoo! Look what I got!" Zeke paused in mid step when he was met with two frowning faces – so similar to each other, in fact, that he had to do a double take. The duo's eyes were almost an alarming shade of black with frustration and their mouths both formed the similar, tell tale Eaton pout. Even with Tris's mouth Theo could still pull that sucker off.

"What did I do?" Zeke asked incredulously, taking two misguided steps backwards. Never had a baby's stare seemed so menacing, so lethal – something Theo did indeed inherit from his father. As Zeke backed up, unknowingly into a wall of soup cans, Theo drew back his arm, car pinched firmly between his fingertips, and let the toy soar through the air with uncanny aim.

Right.

At.

Zeke's.

Face.

The poor idiot let out a girlish shriek and dropped the stack of feminine products he had been clutching so tightly, and proceeded to use his hands in an attempt to protect his face – all the while stepping into a pyramid like structure of cans. They went everywhere. Under his feet, down the aisle, mixing with the pads that lay strewn across the floor. Zeke fell in a heap on the tile – _Always_ Nighttime maxi pads and _Stoney's Homemade Tomato Soup_ in a swirling mess around him.

Four was on the floor too – in a completely different mess – lying on his back clutching his burning sides with a fury and sounding like a chipmunk with a severely punctured lung. His face had flushed red and his cheeks puffed as he gasped for breath. Tears were forming in his eyes and he propped himself up on his elbows, in an attempt to recover, only to fall back down and shake with laughter again after catching a glance at Zeke's dazed face.

Theo kicked his legs happily and clapped his hands together, somehow managing to look completely innocent in everything. He watched his father roll around on the floor in an odd way, but hey, it was funny. Baby like squeals filled the air and his eyes sparkled as his father reached up from his peculiar position on the ground to tickle his tiny feet. It was then Four realized that he had forgotten Theo's shoes.

This day was just bound to end up like this from the start. He lay there, in a failing attempt to catch his breath, just staring at the ceiling and tickling Theo's swiveling feet and praying shamelessly that the footsteps he was hearing weren't Tris or anyone female for that matter _and _wondering how the hell they were getting outta this one. Because, lets face it, they were two unconventional idiots and only had the slightest inkling of what had just happened, knowing that somehow, in the back of their minds, Theo had a start in all this and that they were just caught in the crossfire, and because they could never, ever, in a million years, even if they wanted too, even if they really, _really _wanted too, heck even if they _had _to – blame the baby.

A grunt came from above. "What happened?"

_Blame the baby? Dammit Tobias, you can't fucking blame a _baby_!_

"It was the baby," Four groaned in a whiny manor, the way an older sibling might blame the younger one. He looked up sheepishly and nearly fell back down in relief when he saw who it was.

"Uri," he sighed. "_Thank God._"

"Uh, I don't know what," he gestured around, swinging his arms widely, "is happening, but you have about ten seconds before Mar and Shauna round the corner so if you have _any _intention of Tris not cutting your balls off tonight, I would make a run for it. Now."

Four was up, baby in arms, in a matter of milliseconds – Zeke trying his best to make haste in his – er – situation.

"But the mess – and I still need diapers!" Uriah inwardly chuckled at the sputtering macho mess of a man in front of him. Never would he have thought that Four – emotionless, like a rock, authoritative Four – would be worried about a girl finding out a trip to the store for diapers turned into a _Zeke vs. Soup Can/Feminine Necessities _match at the hands of a baby. A baby, that Uriah had come to respect greatly for what he was capable of – namely making to grown men seem like broken idiots. He smiled to himself deviously. This was definitely the leverage he had been praying for - ,

"Uriah, what the hell are you smiling like that for? It's freaky."

Uri's head snapped up. "I'll take care of the list," he said, grabbing the crumpled paper from a stone stunned Four and shoving him along. "And all this.." he continued hesitantly and wearily, staring at the growing puddle of soup and, uh, _stuff_. Four visibly sagged in relief, ready to kiss Uriah if that's what he wanted.

"I _owe _you one, man," he thanked, holding Theo against his chest like the baby was propped on a chair, his back against his father's chest.

"Oh, you owe me _everything_," he said with a malicious glint in his eye as the two took ff down the aisle – running as if their asses were on fire. Uriah turned at the sound of the girls, faltering smile on his face. Their eyes landed on the small toy car, sitting delicately in the middle of a giant tomato soup puddle.

_"What the hell?!"_

TIAABTIAABTIAABTIAAB

Four's face was beet red and Zeke's nose sported a small cut that was already mending into a scar – that one would have a mighty fine story to go with it, once everything had mulled over – by the time they had reached the apartment. Four swung Theo on his hip and held the sleeping baby tightly, wondering _how on earth _the culprit in the matter was this sleeping. He leaned his head slightly on his son's as he let out a big yawn, trying to blink the sleep from his eyes – a yawn Tris always claimed made him look like the cutest little thing on earth. Theo followed suit, releasing a small sound along with his yawn that was pure adorable. Zeke smiled tiredly and silently 'awwed.' It was a nicer shared physical feature between the two than, say, the glare. They both looked at him with slightly furrowed eyebrows, tilting their heads to the side.

"Seriously guys, it was cute at first but now it's gettin' creepy." Four and Theo looked at each other and Four let out a bark of laughter that Theo just shrugged off – fully intent on going back to sleep.

"Four? Is that you?" Tris's voice came from the kitchen. The two men followed the sound and the more overpowering smell of food, letting their noses lead them to their hearts' desires.

Four smiled. Tris was in mid-laugh, clutching the counter top with one hand and a wooden spoon with the other, her long hair swinging back and forth. Christina gave a small wave and he shot her a fleeting grin.

Tris glanced up. "You got the groceries?"

Four blanked, his eyes widening.

"Oh and Eric stopped by," she said with a frown. "Apparently there was a huge mess in the Grocery Store and he wants you to take a look at the cameras so they can scare up whoever did it. I don't know why he just doesn't do it himself though," Tris trailed off, turning back to the stove with a small pout.

Four stood frozen as Zeke just waved them off, heading to the fridge while dragging his feet.

"Where's the beer?"

Half of his tomato soup dyed body practically dove into the fridge as he grabbed a couple of the cold bottles and looked around innocently at all the wide-eyed stares he was getting. It wouldn't have been the first time, today.

Tris's mouth was hanging open, Christina looked like her eyes were gonna pop out, and a guiltty looking Four was slowly but steadily backing out of the kitchen, cringing slightly with each step.

"Zeke. Why is there a dirty pad on your back?" Chris grimaced.

His eyebrows shot up, dropping the beers on the counter and spinning around frantically, screaming loudly with his eyes squeezed shut.

"GET IT _OFF!"_

**Thanks for reading! I hoped you like it. BY THE WAY, the "dirty pad" was just a pad that got the tomato soup on it. But Zeke doesn't know that. Yet. Anyway, if you guys have any ideas of what scenarios to put them in, let me know! Please review! I REALLY LIKE THAT.**


	3. Chapter 3

Tobias Eaton wasn't a man of many words. Even his changing expressions and signs of emotion and love were hindered in the presence of, well, the entire Dauntless faction – save a few. No, those looks of love and adoration were definitely reserved for the ones he knew to be dearest to him, like his wife and newborn son. But it was still ranging on the ledge of new and weird and, quite honestly, downright strange when one saw the well-built, strong, and obliviously handsome Dauntless prodigy wandering the dark and winding hallways with a small, blue bundle in his arms.

A baby.

_A baby. _

It was probably the last thing anyone would have pictured in the arms of the elusive Four. Hell, Four was _the last guy_ anyone would even think of imagining settling down and starting a family of his own. It was more probable to find the man permanently scarring his knuckles against the tough leather of a punching bag, or silently brooding in the corner with the most and absolute vacant yet fully there expression on his face. Four was a contradictory case in his own right and even though he kept his life extremely private, almost everybody knew it. His fear of heights tended to occasionally draw him to steep ledges or the fear landscape. His knack for staying out of everyone's business caused him to know _everyone's_ business, even if knowing was the last thing he wanted. His outright and stringent refusal to join the Dauntless leaders had the higher ups literally chasing after him and begging the man to lead. Even his obvious distaste towards the idea of being a father, the idea of the possibility of pushing his dreadful childhood onto another human being, was completely pushed aside.

_And then came the baby._

_His baby. _

The small newborn with a full head of dark brown hair and the deepest and darkest of blue eyes that gave Four a glimpse as to why Tris was always so captivated by his own. They weren't just blue; they were _blue, _with the slightest hints of gold that could only have been passed down from father to son.

Oh yes. Four's son was _definitely_ his son. There was no doubt on God's green earth that the baby wrapped in the blue blanket in Four's arms was anything but. Everything about him was Four, Four, Four. But the certain delicate features he possessed, the intricate curve of his upper lip, and the small hints of golden amongst the deep brown of his hair made him Tris's little boy just as well.

Four glanced up from the small face he had been staring at for the past few minutes as he trudged down the hallway. His usual stern expression that kept the girls swooning and the men slightly intimidated was smoothened by the softness in his eyes as he glanced back down, a small and crooked smile forming on his face. He still couldn't believe that the child in his arms was his own – _his_ child that Tris and him had made. Even after three weeks the reality of his son hadn't quite set in and left the prodigy in a somewhat sleep deprived, enthralled state – a sight completely abnormal to the rest of the compound. Every passerby threw him a prolonged glance as they saw him cradle the baby close to his chest in such a fatherly and natural way that him _not _having a child suddenly made no sense at all.

Four, of course, was ignorantly oblivious to the gazes, his own fixated on his son's as he made his way to his best friend's apartment. Tris was finally getting the much needed sleep that he had kept insisting on and Four was doing everything in his power to keep it that way at least for a few more hours.

The problem was, he had never been left to take care of the baby alone.

So, naturally, Shauna was the second best option for go to advice. Yeah, sure, it was easy to keep his son occupied when he was sleeping. But once the imp was awake, Tobias was at a loss - asking God why his child had inherited Tris's stubborn attitude instead of his silent one.

The other problem – Shauna was out and about.

"Hey man!" Zeke greeted his friend enthusiastically, his loud voice quickly hushing to an awkward whisper at the sight of Four's eyebrows reaching his hairline and the terrified expression he held as he looked down at his son. "Sorry," Zeke whispered, his own eyes dropping to his godson as Four let out a sigh of relief. That baby could sleep through anything.

Four pushed past Zeke as he made a beeline to the couch, his arms aching from keeping them still for almost two hours. His son had fallen asleep and Four, being the little heartfelt knucklehead he was, had kept the little tyke in his arms without so much as a tilt in the wrong direction. Part of him reasoned that if he had put him down, the baby would wake up. But another part of him, a bigger part of him that he refused to admit only wanted to keep the little body wrapped tightly in his arms for as long as possible. He didn't acknowledge the fact that his son was only three weeks old. Soon he would be able to walk, talk, and do things on his own and, as much as Four looked forward to seeing is son grow, every time he looked down at the smooth face he couldn't help but want – _need_ – his son to stay this small. He was like his own little personal Tris, mixed with his own traits – the most important thing Four had ever dreamt of holding. Sometimes, on nights when his son couldn't seem to sleep – when Tris is practically falling asleep on her feet and the only way to get him to rest was to hold him and sing for hours on end – Four couldn't help but feel the happiest.

He had escaped his hell of a childhood in that small and terrible Abnegation home and started a new life while creating another – hell-bent on doing everything right for the little life so innocent and new.

Zeke offered one of his rare and genuine smiles – serious and sincere and so unlike his normal manic cackle. He knew that his best friend had some demons that he could never imagine. He also knew that the little bundle in his arms was the best, if not only remedy for the pain inflicted upon him. Four was masculine and downright vicious when he wanted to be – definitely a man's man. Yet whatever harshness that appeared terrifying about him was now mixed with protectiveness and pure love. The fact that anyone could see the already tight bond between father and son made any onlooker realize that being a father was just as natural to him as being human.

Four's eyes darted down to what seemed like his own face, this time only smaller, rounder, and much more delicate. His heart nearly stopped when he realized that he was staring into a set of deep blue and very much _open_ eyes.

"Zeke," Four's voice is but a strangled whisper, idiotic fear tinged with peril. "He's awake, what do I do?"

And Zeke, being the idiot he was forgot about his inside voice in a matter of seconds and joined his friend on the couch, munching down hard on an apple he had found.

"Gee man, I don't know."

His loud tone caused Four to cringe, his arms remaining frozen in its permanent job as a baby cradle. Two sets of blue eyes met once again – one with fear of a crying baby and one laced with annoyance from being woken so rudely.

Four tried to stifle a laugh as his son's eyes slowly but surely made its way directly to Zeke's, a powerful snarl spread across his features. The deep color of his eyebrows only made his gaze sterner and Four sat there wondering how on earth a baby could make such a threatening face. If Zeke hadn't known whose son had been staring at him, he sure as hell knew now.

"Holy balls man, that's creepy. _He looks just like you. _Dear God, I think I just wet my pants." Zeke had leaned back into the couch, fanning himself while not breaking eye contact with the little tyke. And, just like that, he was introduced to the many twinning faces of son and father – soon discovering that some were a lot more appealing than others, like say a puzzled frown over a downright glare.

Four groaned in strangled satisfaction as he moved his arms slightly, the tense and numb limbs resetting itself on fire with the movement. His son's snarl was quickly replaced by a softer glare as his eyes started to droop, letting his father know that he didn't appreciate the movement at all. Four froze instantly, gulping as his son kept an even stare pointed at his face. Zeke held his breath as well, feeling somewhat at the mercy of the little baby.

If his father was thought to be respected and powerful, Theo James Eaton would be just as great.

"I don't think I can move," Four whispered to his friend, lips barely moving. The situation had gotten to the point of Four really having to pee – something he admitted even to himself was undeniable. That, and with the loss of feeling in his arms, Four was sure he would need to amputate them.

"I don't think I can either. He. Keeps. Glaring." Zeke whispered back, breaths coming out in even, short puffs.

The two sat board – like and rigid, not daring to move a muscle as Theo readjusted his small body to his pleasing, a small hand coming out of the blanket to clutch at his father's black shirt. The fabric was pulled into a tight fist and, as much as Four's heart swelled at the notion, he went even more rigid, not wanting to bother his saint of a son.

"That's so cute," Zeke whispered, once again through unmoving lips.

Feeling obliged and in no position to disagree, Four smiled. "Thanks," he whispered back, his teeth clenched together.

The two looked quite comical as they sat, ridge straight, staring at a blank television screen. Their breaths were even, and Four and Zeke could have given the marble statues that sometimes decorated the Pit a run for their money. They didn't dare move a muscle and were both, quite honestly, at the mercy of a baby who could care less if the two moved or talked. Theo actually found his father's voice quite soothing with the way the vibrations could be felt through his chest and the movements that Four would make only comforted Theo even more, reminding him of the natural swing of Tris's arms as she bobbed him up and down.

But they were idiots.

And they both refused to move from their statuesque positions until Tris came wondering around, looking for a hungry baby. 

And that was how she found them, coming face to face with the back of their heads as they both sat together unspeaking and unmoving. Her husband and his best friend sat side by side with maybe a foot between them, backs straight as a board and faces etched with such concentration, Tris thought the world would end if they lost focus.

She slowly circled her way around the couch and stood in front of the two idiots, two hands rested delicately on each hip. Four and Zeke had been sitting like that so long, it took a minute for their eyes to lose the glaze it had picked up.

"Hey, Tris." Four's voice is just as quiet and monotoned as it had been all day, the mortified expression and restraint of movement not lost by Tris. His eyes stared straight ahead, just past her shoulder as if moving them to meet hers would jostle the baby. She smirked knowingly, thinking about how her husband had claimed that he could take care of Theo himself for at least a few hours. Looking at him now, she had no doubt about it – he was becoming a human crib.

"You guys are idiots," She stated in finality, a normal tone seeming so foreign in the small apartment it seemed as if a scream had ripped through the entire area. Four and Zeke's mouths dropped, absolutely terrified at the fact that someone had broken their two hour long bromantic silence to insult them. That and the fact that Theo's eyes were wide open, sending new fear rippling down their spines.

Tris bent over and scooped her son up, laughing loudly at the still frozen expressions of her husband and her friend. Theo happily curled to his mother's body, her shirt replacing Four's in a balled up fist.

The two looked absolutely mortified as they realized they had spent two hours doing absolutely nothing, not even moving. Four even started to doubt that his son had actually been sleeping the entire time, realizing that Theo didn't give two shits about whether him and Zeke talked or moved. Hell, looking at Theo's bright face as Tris bobbed him up and down, he realized the Theo probably preferred the commotion.

"He's a baby, you guys. Not a bomb," Tris scolded playfully as she started to the door, laughter threatening to rip through her. "You can _move him. _You can _talk to him._ I _promise." _With one last look at the two dejected faces, Tris left to feed her son, knowing in the slightest that Theo knew fully well what he had been doing.

_The_ _selfish tyke had wanted his father for himself and only himself_.

And Tobias, already wrapped around his little finger, had obliged without question.

Zeke turned to his friend, movements robotic as he tried to recall what it was like to move. The same whispering tone came out of his mouth when he spoke, not wanting to break the silence much anymore.

"Don't you have to pee?"

Four sighed, unmoving, as he stared straight ahead.

"Wouldn't know." He replied honestly, his arms still in the form to hold a cradled baby but slightly resting on his lap. "I haven't felt anything below the waist for the last half hour."

Zeke just nodded and looked straight ahead in silence along with his friend, acknowledging one thing that he never would have predicted from the moment they found out Tris was pregnant.

The two had been played by a baby, and it sure as hell wasn't the last time.

**Okay, yeah. Not as funny as the other two , but I wanted to put some insight as to Tobias being a new father. A little humor but mostly Tobias's thoughts on his son. I have a funny one coming up VERY soon, but if you like the ones that get inside Tobias's head and really look at things from his perspective, tell me and I can work them into this one shot thing. PLEASE REVIEW AND CHECK OUT MY LITTLE SOLDIER. There is a new chapter coming soon!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, it's not as funny as I hoped it to be. Normally I write this stuff out in a journal and then type it but I just kinda have been winging it so I hope that's okay. I also want to say that I am trying my best to update often, as an apology for going MIA on you guys every now and again. Please review AND GIVE ME IDEAS IN WHAT YOU WHAT TO SEE THE TRIO DOING! THANKS.**

**This is also a really long chapter, so I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: When Tobias and Zeke learn to go one day without being injured by Theo – only the would I own Divergent. So, naturally, never. **

Tobias sighed. One thing about Tris's not being pregnant anymore that he had not missed when she was the no period thing and frightful mood swings that came along with it. I mean, sure, there were the hormones and the sudden mood swings that came with being pregnant, but they could be passed off as side effects of something great – a _baby_.

But periods?

That was a side effect given from the pits of a fiery, fiery hell and, frankly, scared the shit out of Tobias. The day that _that_ showed up in his fear landscape was the day that he would definitely go running for the hills. Yes, the fearless and almighty Tobias Eaton was just like any other man when it came to t_hose _things – but when his wife had curled up on the couch in a tight ball with a painful expression on her slightly paler than normal face, Tobias could do anything _but _run for the hills.

He sat down next to her and pulled her onto his lap, frowning as she let out a quiet whimper, the gears in his mind working on overtime trying to piece together what was going on.

"Tris?"

She just nestled further into him, burying her face into his black button up shirt in such a similar way to their son that Tobias took a moment to just stare down at Tris, _his Tris_.

A whisper of an answer came out of Tris's mouth, the word muffled by the material of Tobias's shirt.

"Cramps."

He felt what seemed to be tears start to seep through the thin cotton of his shirt and gently pulled Tris away from him, tilting her chin up with his finger. Tris wasn't a crier – heck he could count on one hand how many times he'd seen her cry and still come up with about three extra fingers. But the way her full lips that resembled Theo's so much formed a small pout and the way her eyebrows formed a small furrow between them let Tobias know that something was up.

"M-my stomach hurts, and my legs, a-and my whole body feels like shit, and I feel nauseous and my head hurts, and Christina's surprise party is today and I'm supposed t-to decorate, and let's not forget about Theo - ," Tris mumbles against his fingers, her eyes dropping to his chest and missing the completely shocked face of her husband, Tobias silently wondering how she had managed to say all of that so quickly. "I – I," she let out a frustrated sigh, furiously wiping the tears from her face and refusing to meet Tobias's concerned but wide eyed gaze.

Tris was never one to admit to feeling sick – it once took him and three others to convince her that she was fine to take a day off of work and just _relax_, even when she was eight months pregnant. So when she did, Tobias was absolutely, positively, 100% sure that whatever it was, was serious – and he was about to throw her over his shoulder, in the most caring and gentle way possible, and march her stubborn little ass straight down to the infirmary.

But the way she clutched his shirt like a life line and looked everywhere but him made him pull her to him fiercely and tuck away the loose hair that surrounded her tearstained, beautiful face.

And _then _proceed to try out the whole 'throw Tris over his shoulder like a potato sack' technique.

Tris's eyes widened in surprise as she felt herself being lifted and held against Tobias chest, still not used to the ease and lack of strength he needed to do so. Going from holding another life inside of you to being back in the same petite body that barley weighed over a hundred and ten pounds was a staggering difference shown instantly in the way Tobias was able to sweep Tris of her feet in a matter of seconds – literally.

"What are you - ?"

"I'm taking you to the Infirmary," Tobias states rather apparently, plainly convinced that it was pretty much obvious what he was doing.

Tris let out a small chuckle before wriggling out of her husband's tight grasp.

"I'm not dying, you goofball. I'm," She looked away, her face flushing a startling shade of red as she mumbled something completely unintelligible.

Tobias tilted his head, scrunching up his nose slightly – a look known to appear on Theo's face often when he didn't get what he wanted. She sighed and looked at her feet.

"I'm on my period," she mumbled to the floor, suddenly infatuated with the rug beneath her feet. And Tobias being, well, Tobias, became most honestly and openly intrigued with the way he was able to clasp and unclasp his fingers so easily.

It wasn't like the topic had never come up before. Tobias would be the first to walk straight up to a box of tampons and throw it into the cart, giving the cashier a monotone like, blank glare as the one item was being ringed up. He was a man, but a man that catered to Tris's every need no matter what it may be.

But the fact of the matter was that the two hadn't faced something like this in nine months and the acknowledgement of Tris getting her "time of the month" was something that brought the time of blissful freedom to an abrupt end.

That, and the unimaginable amount of sex the two managed to have without the intrusion of something as trivial as a period.

And though it wasn't her first period that had happened since the pregnancy, it was definitely the first time she voiced it.

The room was quiet and nearly exuded an awkward aura, bright red faces searching frantically for anything but each other. Tobias was the first to shake the unnecessary silence from the room.

"Well, he said, drawing out the word until her eyes met his. He brought his hand up to her face and used his thumb to wipe the last of the already drying tears – Tris's face deepening to another level of red as she realized that she had, indeed, cried over the matter. "How about you just push this party off until another day. I'm sure Chris won't mind. I mean, it's a _surprise_ after all. She can't get mad about what she doesn't know."

Tris's gaze flashed up to meet his eyes, a small smirk playing across her features. Tobias, being the clueless idiot he was, thought Tris was actually going to listen to him for once, and his smile grew.

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And that was how Tobias and Zeke found themselves staring shocked and confused at the wooden grain of the closed bedroom door, Theo resting in the one-armed grasp of his father, and a giant box of party decorations at their feet. Zeke looked from the box to the grown man next to him and down to his godson – the kid hanging practically upside down as his father stood frozen – and he wondered how on earth such a small woman had so much control over such a big man.

The answer was simple, of course, in the eyes of Tobias's best friend.

The man was whipped. _Whipped_. Like the cream that had donned Zeke's ice cream earlier today.

And not only were the two now solely responsible for decorating the party, but organizing everything else as well.

"Well," Zeke started slowly, his eyes sweeping over the box. "I don't know what your gonna do with all this," he gestures widely at everything, his hands swinging as he points to the box, "But good luck man."

And with that, Zeke whipped around, fully intent on making a quick getaway from the mess that was just bound to come from mixing the three of them with party planning.

A hand reached out in a blur, fixing onto Zeke's ear before he could even take a step – the grip of Tobias's fingers tightening as Zeke let out an unattractive wail. Months of chasing after Theo in the most fatherly attempt to keep his son out of the dangers that lurked in the Dauntless compound had perfected Tobias's reflexes to a tee. His baby's knack for grabbing and poking at things that weren't necessary child friendly – say knifes or the intercom that would have projected his baby squeals and Tobias's frantic scolding throughout the whole compound – were the main reasons Zeke's ear found a place in Tobias's fingers.

"If you leave, Ezekiel Pedrad, so help me, I _will_ find a way to make sure that every piece of cake you eat after today will only be the cause of a terrible case of the shits." Tobias's eyebrows rose as his gaze hardened at his best friend, not caring one bit that he was holding a giggling baby in one arm.

And, to say the least, baby or not, Tobias Eaton was an intimidating man when he wanted to be.

"Well, _good God_. Since you asked so nicely – _yes_, I will help. Damn man, pipe it down a little. Gosh," Zeke muttered, fully content on enjoying his cake without having to fear any consequences.

Tobias let out a triumphant smile as he scooped Theo close to his chest, glad to see that Theo's tendency to match his father's expressions led to a baby like Eaton glare to form on his face.

"That's it baby boy, stare at him. Make him _really_ _understand_ what it would be like to never be able to go outside of a half mile radius from a toilet." The glare on his son's face continued at the allotted praise and Tobias lifted his son and pushed him forward towards Zeke's face in a Lion King like fashion, making sure his friend understood how serious the situation was. Theo dangled in the air, completely relaxed in the arms of his father, his pudgy legs swinging back and forth.

"Geeze, for the last time will you two creeps stop it?! You're givin' me the shits already!"

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Being more of a Dauntless tradition than a personal preference, Christina's party was scheduled to start at midnight – a pretty rational time for adults with Dauntless tendencies. But to a new father who nearly missed out on half a meeting regarding the safety of the factions because his eyes refused to stay open farther that small slits, and to a 24 hour control room worker with the motto "sleep is for the weak" and a propensity to party out late a little too much, the task of putting together a party _and _actually staying awake for it sounded impossible.

Tobias and Zeke stared at each other from the same position that they had been ten minutes prior, sat cris-crossed on the living room floor with the box of party decorations strewn _everywhere. _As much as Tobias liked to think he knew everything about anything, he certainly knew nothing about party décor. Especially considering the subject of the party was one of the most fashionable human beings he had ever met – not that he cared for that stuff.

He never understood the difference between a body con dress or a pencil skirt with a tight shirt unless it was on Tris. And even then, he was more concerned with getting her out of the clothes as fast as possible, pushing the time to admire the intricate beading of the dresses off for a later hour.

He leaned back with an exasperated sigh as the base of his neck made contact with the couch, and he sat fully content staring at the ceiling and watching the fan spin slowly and surly in one endless direction – the long and sleepless nights finally catching up to him.

The one thing Tobias hadn't counted on in this mess of a situation, was his best friend actually being a closeted visionary – knowing exactly what girls like and how to do it.

_Or _the fact that his son would somehow manage to find his way into the box without him knowing.

"So that's what we're gonna do, okay?" Zeke finished slowly, describing with great detail what he had envisioned. Tobias stared at him with wide eyes, truly appreciating the weird quirks of his friend more now than ever.

"Honestly man, I'm kind of a little turned on right now," Tobias muttered staring at Zeke's rough sketch with a strangely pleased look. "How did you know that?"

Zeke stared at his best friend, finally fully realizing the effects a small and crying baby could have on the sanity of a man. And speaking of a baby – Zeke glanced around and saw no trace of the little shit that he so dearly feared and loved.

"Yo man, where's your baby?"

And with those five words, the two were up and sprinting around the apartment, completely oblivious to the fact that the baby was only a couple of months old and could not have _possibly_ gotten up the stairs.

"Dude I lost my baby, I lost my fucking baby," Tobias's frantic look and the panicky bounce of his legs indicated far more than sleep deprecation, but the inherent knowledge residing in the two of them that if they had truly lost Theo, Tris would skin the two alive.

Zeke earned himself a harsh whack in the back of the head with a cushion when he went to check the trash bin.

"Ow! What the fuck was that for?!"

"Why the fuck would a baby be in a trash can, Zeke!? Why in the fuck, huh?!" Tobias's eyes were wide in disbelief as his friend shrugged his shoulders and pulled out a wrapped up sandwich half that Tris had refused to eat earlier.

"Hey now, don't expect me to be of any use on an empty stomach."

Zeke was most nearly saved from Tobias picking up the closest thing to him – a ball point pen – and chucking it at him by a babyish squeal. A sharp pen combined with Tobias's habits of throwing all things like knife would have ended badly for Zeke.

Tobias whipped around when he heard the tell-tale sign of impish giggling that indicated his son was up to no good and nearly died in relief when he saw his son hands grasped on the edges of the knocked over box completely _covered in glitter_.

"Well shit."

Tobias raced over and scooped his baby out of the box, raising the small child to eye level and scanning every inch of him to make sure that no harm had come his way. Tobias was rewarded with a small kick to the chin, just like any other time he held his son that way – Theo's legs acting like a never stopping pendulum. Despite the horrendous amount of pink glitter that was practically forming a second skin over his child, Tobias hugged Theo close and tight, peppering his miniature features with small kisses as his breathing started evening out. Never mind the fact that the glitter was now a permanent feature of his own unruly hair and that it clung to the slight stubble that nestled his cheeks. He had found his son in one piece and Tris _wasn't_ going to kill him after all. He was in the clear.

"Come on baby boy, don't scare daddy like that okay? I'm too young to have a heart attack." Tobias muttered into his son's ear as he pulled him in tighter, the subtle up and down bouncing motion not only soothing Theo, but lulling Tobias into an even sleepier state. The slight creak of the bedroom door however, was enough of a warning for Zeke to toss the half eaten sandwich and for Tobias to swoop his glitter ridden baby behind his back, strained and much too wide smiles plastered on each of their faces.

"You guys okay?" Tris's voice came out scratchy as she raises an eyebrow at her husband. Sure, she trusted that the two men in front of her would protect Theo with their lives before letting one bad thing happen to his small form. The thing that worried her, though, was the fact that Tobias and Zeke had a long line of injuries and unforgettable, painful events that happened at the hands of her baby boy.

She took Zeke shoving her back into the bedroom as a sign that all was well, and Tobias let out yet another puff of breath that he had been holding in fear.

"That's it. After today, we get our shit together, man. No more missing babies, no more baby carrier incidents, hell no more looking like idiots in front of the entire compound." Tobias stated firmly, earning a nod from his friend as they started to piece the decorations and party together, slowly but surely.

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Unfortunately for the trio, Christina was friends with practically _everyone_ in the compound, and Tobias and Zeke had gotten a rep at being prone to embarrassment. And, in the chaos of trying to find a cake and decorate and order food and keep the hub bub about the party on the down low , the two had no time to clean up, yet alone clean a sparkle ridden baby.

And in the course of the two hours they spent working, the two also failed to realize that through passing Theo back and forth – Tobias had refused to set him down for one second – they had also _covered _themselves, head to toe, with sparkly, pink glitter.

If one or the other had noticed anything up with their appearances, they never mentioned it.

So when the sleep deprived duo finally reached the phase past exhaustion to slap fucking happy, the party _finally _started.

However, what surprised Christina even more than the party, was the fact that her best friend's husband and his own partner in crime were the most _ridiculous and hideous _shade of pink she had ever witnessed.

And drunk off their rockers.

Tris had taken Theo from the two after they had mentioned something about a beer and sitting down without question, noting the glitter with a raised eyebrow and how it seemed to only accentuate her husband's features – as Christina once said, 'Real men wear pink.'

But the sight before half of the compound now was just _hilarious. _

It had only taken one or two beers to get the already sleep deprived duo nicely buzzed and they were now sprawled out on the floor in the center of a now forming circle, Theo laying spread out like a starfish on his father's stomach. Someone had the idea to turn the music down so the entire party could hear what the two Dauntless prodigies were saying to each other in what seemed like a very bromantic moment – son, father, and god father all together.

Theo lay on his stomach on top of his father's chest, and Tobias had his small arms spread out as he tilted him back and forth, little airplane noises coming out of his mouth. The Dauntless crowd around them tightened in as the two started talking in their practically high state.

"Dude, you have a really nice complexion," Zeke murmured as he reached over to wipe what was glitter off of Tobias's face.

In a completely un-Tobias fashion, Tobias reached up and rested his hand on Zeke's as he touched the glitter, giving it a small pat before answering gently and sincerely, "Thanks man."

The two shared a long look before Theo squealed impatiently, wanting his father's attention back.

"Man, I love babies," Tobias sighed as a small, glazed smile appeared on his face. He lifted his son to his face – Theo now being held above him as he lay down – and he cooed at Theo. "You should get one Zeke. I'm tellin' you, everyone loves you because you have this small little pudgy thing that looks kinda like you and everyone wants to hold it. The baby, not you." Tobias clarified. "I don't think someone would be able to hold me."

The two looked at each other as if the idea of Tobias being held like a baby was the funniest thing ever and _burst_ out laughing, the only thing keeping them from rolling around was the baby now laying across the both of them.

"Dude, i-imagine having a baby body for a body. We'd be so fucking cute, man." Zeke manage to snort out through his laughter, completely unaware that all of his friends were standing around him with confused expressions on their faces. Christina had pulled out a camera, completely convinced that this was by far the best birthday she'd had. As funny as the situation was for the two drunk men, the fact that the two men were Four and Zeke made the situation hysterical.

"_We'd have diapers_," Tobias exclaimed with wide eyes as he turned to face his friend, convinced that he had discovered the best thing there was to life. "_We'd. Have. Diapers."_

Over by the couch, Shauna turned to Tris with a bewildered look. "They are literally fantasizing about becoming adult babies. They are honestly the most innocent drunk fucks I know."

Tris snorted, her hand coming up to hide her smile as Tobias tilted his head backwards to face her. His small buzzed smile turned into a full blown grin when he saw an upside down version of his wife staring at him.

"Do you think I'd be cute with a baby body?" The innocence in her husband's eyes had her doubled over laughing in a second. Tobias eyebrows furrowed as he took it the wrong way, his eyebrows quickly forming a deep arch as he frowned.

"Of course you would baby," Tris managed to get out, wondering how on earth the man on the floor was the same as Tobias Eaton.

"Eh, I don't know if I'd like it," Tobias continued, his words completely losing its filter with the alcohol. "I don't think a baby body would be the best to, you know," Tobias wiggled his eyebrows at his wife, his mouth opening to finish the rest of the sentence, "fuc -,"

Tris dove and shoved her small hand on Tobias's mouth as a deep blush made its way to her face. Tobias continued to talk against her hand and Tris pressed firmly down on his mouth to get him to stop. She shrieked when she felt wet warmth on her hand and glared down and her idiot of a husband – his deep blue eyes sparkling with mischief as he watched Tris blush. He mouthed the word 'fuck' and gave her a wink – non of the actions missed by the spectators.

"What are you, five? You idiot - ," Tris was cut off by an inhumane gurgle and she turned to see Zeke clutching his sides as Theo drew away from him, curling to his father's still sprawled out body.

"No," Zeke laughed, pulling himself up off the ground and dragging Tobias up with him. Zeke bent over, wheezing from the fit of laughter that would not stop as everyone stared at him with slight concern. Tobias just stood watching him with a slight smirk, completely amused with the squeaky noises that were coming from his friend. "He's Four," Zeke managed to puff out before collapsing onto the floor in a fit of giggles.

Nobody laughed – not one person. For the joke was horrible and absolutely, incredulously stupid.

But with Tobias as exhausted, slap happy, and drunk as he was, he was on the floor in a matter of seconds, Tris glad she had snatched Theo from the two, as a string of party streamers and plastic plates were pulled down with Tobias's collapsing body.

The two lay in a heaping mess, Tobias practically on top of Zeke as they laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. The only thing that triggered the laughter of their concerned friends, the giggling that came from Theo.

No one knew at what point the duo had passed out from exhaustion, or exactly what had been going on in their head at the time.

One thing was for sure though. As the party came to a close and people started clearing out, no one could miss the two friends huddled close together on the floor in sleep, the small baby that caused the exhaustion in the first place cuddled between two. Nor could one miss the two diapers that had been shoved religiously onto the duo's heads and the small pacifier that lay centimeters from Tobias's mouth making the odd trio definitely more than just two idiots and a baby – but a family.

A really, _really_ fucked up one.

**Eh, I know it's not really funny and that it's really long and takes awhile to get to the point, so sorry. It kinda was drawn out and then didn't really give you guys what I wanted to, so I'm sorry. I have so much stuff to do and this is a little escape, you know. PLEASE PLEASE review, please it means the world to me and really makes my day. Especially if it started out bad. Oh, and this is like nine pages haha new record. Thanks, love you guys so much. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the long wait!**

**Hope you like it, and please, please review!**

**Disclaimer: If Tobias still can't admit that he and Zeke are sometimes a little lovey dovey towards each other, then I can't possibly own Divergent.**

If he were to go back in time and answer the question of where he would see himself in ten years, Tobias would have sworn on his own beating heart that it would never have been _this_.

Not that he didn't want this. He loved this. _This_ was the very reason he found it easy to spring up from bed every day, the aftershocks of a shattered leg still there but dulled by the twinkling laughter of his son, the slight, shy glances from Tris, and the way his baby girl grasped his index finger so tightly, he could never imagine letting go.

But when _this_ was him and Zeke staring wide eyed and horrified at his two babies, not sure if the red, gooey substance dripping off of them with a splat was spaghetti sauce or _blood _– his youngest strapped tightly to her highchair, and the other looking innocently at his father while, nontheless, continuing to spread the paste all over his sister – _that _was something that he never, _ever_ would have imagined.

In a quick lunge, Tobias scoops up his son, holding the dripping two year old at arms-length and visibly relaxing when the familiar scent of tomatoes wafts his way.

"Theo," though the voice comes out in a growl, it's all light and gentle, father and son sharing a heated glare as the bigger one scolds the smaller one.

And, as Zeke watches the two, he can't help but imagine that if he had a picture of Four at Theo's age placed next to one of Theo's now, he would never be able to tell the difference.

The freshly turned two year old stares right back at his father and Tobias revels in how easy it is to hold his son straight armed – at how small his little boy is. And, as he glances at his daughter, even smaller and lighter than Theo, he hopes and prays that they will stay this little forever.

"What are you doing?" Tobias asks his son with a small smile, now fully realizing why Tris had told Zeke and him to wait until _after_ they were done cooking Shauna's surprise birthday dinner to put on their dress shirts. Theo's short arm reaches up to Tobias's face, patting his left cheek with a satisfied grin as the tomato sauce sticks to the slight stubble that shadows Tobias's face. Theo laughs at the prickly feel and the way his father catches his own hand in his large one, his eyebrows raised in question.

"I think he's trying to make you prettier, Four," Zeke quips from the corner as he studies his best friend's now red cheek. "And, though I know you don't prefer blush or any other cosmetics, I must say that that is _definitely_ your color." Zeke claps his hands together and offers a slow nod, as if he were approving his own words.

Theo nods enthusiastically, despite having no clue what the word 'cosmetics' and 'blush' even meant.

"Look good, Daddy," Theo spews out in his adorable baby voice, pronouncing 'look' like 'wook' and squeezing his father's cheeks between his two pudgy hands. Neither Tobias nor Zeke can muffle the snort that rises in both of them as they both recall the drunken complement Tobias had so graciously paid Tris by the chasm only a few years prior, and Tobias throws his head back in a mix of embarrassed and humor filled laughter as he gently sets his son back down.

He slowly strips from his button down shirt – black, as per usual – being especially careful to not get any sauce on one of the more expensive things he owns. Zeke follows suit and, soon enough, the two are shirtless and a bit deflated that they indeed had to take their wives' helpful hint of dressing afterwards instead of before and the lost opportunity of the boys finally proving Tris and Shauna both wrong.

"Your sister, on the other hand, Theodore," Zeke starts as he glances down at the small baby girl with spaghetti sauce all over her face, making her look like a warrior with war point. "Doesn't need that to make her pretty. Right?"

Theo nods his head up and down quickly, laughing at the way his Uncle Zeke always called him by his full name, something about a chipmunk named Theodore that reminded Zeke of him.

And, as Tobias looks down at his daughter, he can't help but agree. The small eyes that gaze up at him with wonder are so familiar – so _his – _that even though he sees it every day in the mirror, every day in Theo, he can't help but suck in a breath at the eyes that sit so wonderfully placed on his little girl's face.

Where Theo was one hundred percent Tobias, from his hair, to his eyes, to the way he would stare grumpily at the wall when he was mad – _she_ was all Tris. A mini, tiny, precious little Tris that looked so much like her mother all Tobias could do was cry and cry and cry when she was born. And he never felt one bit of embarrassment for the way his eyes pooled over or the way he buried his face into Tris's sweaty neck as his baby girl grabbed his finger for the first time, because the love he felt when his eyes set on hers only further convinced him that he was nothing like Marcus.

The tan skin and the darkening tuft of caramel hair on her head that she had inherited from her father only emphasized the Tris in her features, from the gentle upturn of her nose, to the full lips that were a mixture of both mother and father.

"Yeah, she's beautiful all right," Tobias murmurs quietly, too entranced by his daughter's stare to notice the fact that Zeke was now standing like a deer in the headlights, hands up and eyebrows high, as Theo held a dripping spoon of spaghetti sauce high up in the air.

"No, no, no, no. I swear - ," Zeke shakes his head as he backs up, Tobias doing the exactly the same – far past the point of trying to defuse the situation. He had learned early on that if Theo had his mind set, it was _set_ – a trait that Tobias and Tris tried to bounce off of each other, both truly knowing it was Tris's stubbornness that Theo had so passionately inherited.

And like a distant memory, the time of the toy car and Zeke's unplanned swim in a puddle of tomato soup and pads flashed through both of the grown men's' minds.

"C'mon bud, Mommy's gonna kill us if we mess this place up _again_," Tobias tries to reason with his son, his pleading tone evident in the way he motions at the only thing he his wearing – very _expensive_ dress pants.

And, because Zeke rarely ever sees his friend without his shirt for reasons unknown, he scans his eyes up and down Tobias's body, wondering what he was ever insecure about showing.

"Damn son, you are _hot_," he says bluntly, straightening as he tilts his head to one side, eyes still fully trained on Tobias's bare torso. His arms cross as he circles Tobias, completely missing his best friend's bewildered and slightly weirded out expression as he stands frozen like a statue. The threat of Theo is forgotten as the two make eye contact and Zeke offers a casual shrug.

"Hey, I say what I see. And now I _fully_ understand how you and Tris made those two so fast," He points behind him with his thumb at Tobias's little mini-me's, an impressed look on his face.

"Turn around, will you? - , Oi! What was that for?" Zeke rubs his arm while glaring at Tobias, a fake look of hurt on his face, as he eyes the towel that he's sure his friend will use for another swipe at him.

"_That," _Tobias says, his eyebrows still raised high and mighty, "Is for making me feel sexually objectified _without_ my consent, you idiot."

Tobias and Zeke cringe as they are splattered with a mix of cold and warm pastes and goos, their dress pants and clean bodies no more as the stark red tomatoes trail down their bodies, making them look more like casualties in a battle field than lost husbands in the kitchen.

Tobias whacks his friend quickly and swiftly, harder this time, before turning to glare at his impishly smiling son.

"And _that_, was for distracting us from _that,"_ Tobias growls as he scoops off what he could from his chest and chucks it at Zeke. Theo's eyes widen when he sees his father sauntering over to him, not missing the playful glint in his eyes that only he could see.

"Daddy no - !"

A squeal rings through the room as Tobias scoops his son up, making sure to smear whatever was on him onto the little devil in his arms, Tobias rubbing his face gently against his son's cheek before he pulls away.

"There, now you are just as pretty as Daddy."

Another squeal fills the air – this one more girlish and small – and Tobias turns to see his girl, arms raised in the air and feet kicking in the universal 'up, Daddy,' motion. Tobias passes Theo to a just as messy Zeke, knowing that the two would only make the place even messier but not caring in the slightest. If Tris killed him tonight, at least he would die a happy man.

"C'mere, Bug," Tobias whispers, nothing but a grin plastered on his face as he picks his up his baby and cradles her to his bare chest. She gives him a toothless smile at her nick name, and Tobias presses a gentle kiss to her small forehead, wrapping his arms even tighter around her as he felt the slippery tomato spread all over him.

She sighs sweetly in his tight grasp, taking the knuckle Tobias offers as a pacifier into her mouth, her eyes twinkling up at her father.

"Snug as a bug in a rug," he murmurs before glancing up into his other baby's piercing eyes. The baby that had gotten the four of them into a shitload of trouble.

"Well Zeke, this one's on you."

"Me!?" Zeke stares appalled at his best friend, wondering _how on earth_ this was his fault. Sure, _maybe _it had been his fault that Four had gotten stuck in the baby carrier last year. _Maybe _it was his fault that he had dragged Four to the top of building and then accidently left him locked out on the roof. And yes, _maybe _trying to see who could eat the most amount of cake in less than a minute and leaving the two of them literally choking to the point where Tris had to punch them both in the back was a consequence of his bad judgment – but _this_? Uh uh.

"Yeah, you! If you hadn't started _ogling_ me then we wouldn't be in this mess."

"If you'd just take your shirt off normally then I wouldn't have felt the need to 'ogle!'" Zeke hissed back – neither of them noticing how particularly strange the scene was becoming.

Two grown men – quite muscular, shirtless grown men – each with a baby in their arms looking anything but innocent, standing drenched from head to two in sauce and screaming at each other about whether or not the other fancied them.

Zeke slumps in defeat and Tobias does the same as he glances around the kitchen. It had truly become a war zone and, as he looked down at his daughter, he prayed that there would be at least some sanity in her future through Tris and Shauna – she certainly wasn't going to get it with him, Zeke, or Theo.

They tried to remake dinner – they really did. It was, after all, Shauna's birthday and the least they could do was at least _try _to make her something special. And they did – truly. Try, that is. After about ten minutes of standing shivering and sticky over the stove, Zeke had taken the little sauce they had saved and dumped it into the trash.

Tobias didn't even try to question it as his friend grabbed rags upon rags and spread them over the floor, laying in the middle of them and then using his body to push the towels and wipe up the red goo.

But he did pull out the camera as Theo joined in, careful to help his baby sister as she crawled towards the duo. They all did the same thing – Zeke the only one managing to actually clean anything, surprising as it was. Honestly, all Tobias could see was a giant worm wiggling slowly around his kitchen floor in an effort to clean everything up, Zeke's body giant and muscular compared to his own two little bugs mimicking him on the floor.

And, though it took a while, the place became as spotless as how Tris had left it – apart from the four red stained idiots standing triumphantly in the middle.

"Now what?" Zeke asks stupidly, not knowing if he was grinning because of exhaustion or from the fact that he was sure the sauce was tickling him in all the wrong places.

"I think," Tobias starts, lifting his son up and giving him a good sniff. "I think they need a bath."

Somehow, someway all four of them had found their way into the bathtub – Tobias and Zeke leaning lazily in their boxers, enjoying the warm water – each with a child propped gently on their lap.

It had started with Theo in the tub and Tobias trying to wash his daughter in her little tub in the sink – a useless task one she realized that her brother had _so much more _room in his bathtub than she did in hers. And, with a certain Tris-like stubbornness that Tobias could only shake his head at, he had found himself climbing into the tub, boxers and all, in order to fulfill his daughter's wishes.

She couldn't even talk yet and she had gotten her father to strip down to his underwear in front of his best friend without so much as a bat of the eye – just so she could sit in the big girl tub.

And, when Theo realized that his sister got a lap to sit on, all he had to do was stare at Zeke until he muttered a quiet, "Ah, what the hell," before peeling off his stained pants and pulling his godson onto his lap.

And they sit there, for what seems like hours, Tobias and Zeke in an animated and particularly competitive competition of who could design the best bubble hair do on the child in their laps. When the bubbles start to pop they switch to the little toys spread around the tub – Theo's little blue boat and rubber duck each clasped in the hands of father and godfather.

They race them around, Tobias's sound effects enough to make them all laugh. And when that turns competitive too, Theo can't help but splash and splash and splash, only making his baby sister want to join in on the small jets of water that are now spraying around the room.

"Oi! That's unfair!"

"Hey! You can't _grab _my hand, Four."

"It's not fair, the duck's too slippery! Trade with me."

"Ha. I won. _Idiot."_

"Pee, daddy," Theo mutters almost silently. It's then they realize that they had been only entertaining themselves for the past ten minutes – Theo's head resting softly against Zeke's chest as he stares tiredly at his father's hand placed tightly on the boat. It's safe to say that both men's ears turn red – both not entirely proud of the fact that they had indeed been racing bath toys around the tub for a considerable amount of time. That, and they were both entertained and fully content on continuing if Theo hadn't said anything.

And, within an instance, it's Zeke scrambling up and hoisting the little two year old out of the tub as fast as he can, praying he can reach the toilet before it's too late. But he's an Eaton boy and, just like his father, entirely too impatient. Tobias scrambles up too, placing his daughter in the small sink tub and trying to find a towel so that the bathroom didn't end up a disaster like the kitchen.

It's too bad that the toilet lid is closed though – Zeke only realizes this as he frantically turns around, a butt naked Theo dangling from his hands as he stares at his friend with wide eyes.

"Shit Zeke, no - ,"

All Tobias can do is stand there, hands covering his face, as his half asleep baby boy just lets loose on him. It's not the first time it had happened – oh no. A strange feeling also told Tobias it wouldn't be the last.

But it definitely was the damn weirdest.

And it _was_ a peculiar sight – two soaking wet men in boxers, Dauntless _prodigies_, one holding a peeing child, and one being peed on by said child – a smaller, tinier giggling baby in the back clapping her hands as her father lets out a sigh. It's not a typical sight, even in Dauntless.

Yet it's the very scene Tris and Shauna walk in on.

"Four?" Tris's amused voice cuts through the air like a knife – just as Theo's little situation finally started to simmer down.

It's easy to see the way Tobias's shoulders hunch and Zeke visibly shrinks as they both turn to face their wives, not particularly keen on seeing the smirking expressions on each of their faces.

"Damn, Four." Shauna laughs, "I knew you were hiding a body under those shirts."

"I _know_ right. I tried telling him that and he thought I was coming on too strong - ," Zeke shuts up within a second, pinching his lips together, when he realizes that the two of them are in fact standing in wet boxers and he had just admitted to hitting on Tris's husband.

Tris easily pries Theo from Zeke's frozen frame as Shauna scoops the mini Tris sitting in the sink, both of them laughing so hard Tobias and Zeke don't understand how they are still standing up straight.

"When you guys get cleaned up, we have take out downstairs." Tris says as she pecks her still frozen husband on the cheek. She smiles at the way they stay still, as if lack of movement might erase everything that they had just witnessed. But she doesn't miss the bewildered expression that flashes across both of their faces though, and another one of her chime like laughs rings through the bathroom. "Oh come one guys, you know we have to have a plan B." Tris says, regarding their failed attempt at making dinner as she pats her husband gently on the shoulder. "This kinda happens _every time _we leave you two alone with them."

And that's how the two men are left, dripping wet and each staring after the women they had both come to admire and fear. It only takes another second before they both glance at each other and back to the shower, the two of them scrambling towards it, both pushing and fighting and shoving to reach it first.

They must hear the grunts and shoves from below, because within a minute Shauna's humor filled voice can be heard throughout the entire apartment – possibly the entire compound.

"Oh, just take the damn shower together, lover boys!"

**Hey, hey, hey! Sorry this took so long, I've been really busy. Please check out My Little Soldier too, if you want a back story and a little more on all of this. Please, Please, Please, Please review and, if you have little scenarios you want me to write about, tell me! Thanks friends. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, hey, hey, it's 4:39 a.m. and I'm calling this being productive. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, it is really late – or early – and I just tried to spell sense with a c, thank goodness for spell check, am I right. Charlie the chicken nugget fairy, avocado French fry supreme bimbo blaster. PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.**

**Disclaimer: Like Zeke not owning much of a brain, I don't own Divergent. A pity, really. **

In the face of all terror, in the midst of chaos, Tobias liked to say he was a calm man. And he was, relatively. But when the terror included his child bouncing and grabbing at him like he was the last spongy, creamy twinkie in a sea of all things not spongy and creamy – he was a man of complete and utter anxiety – especially since his best friend had accidently managed to lock their asses out on one of the roofs of the Dauntless Compound.

The one roof, they happened to realize, that only barely managed to fit the three of them.

"Try it again!" Tobias grunted as loudly as he could over the blabbing of his son, glancing down to see his fear stricken face.

Yup, this baby was most certainly his.

"What the _fuck_ am I supposed to try, dingbat. There's no handle!" Zeke's eyes flashed to his best friend's in mild annoyance before glancing down at his godchild.

"Goddammit, Zeke. Language." Tobias growled back just as quickly, his lips pressing together in a tight frown as he watched the fear vanish temporarily from his son's eyes and a look of confusion take over.

"Fuck."

If anyone had been up on the roof with them, they would have witnessed the fastest head snapping, eyes widening, fear laden, high pitch squeals coming from two of the strongest men Dauntless had ever seen.

"No, no, no, NO, Theo!"

A rock flew through the air towards Zeke as Tobias glared wide eyed and angrily at his friend, his hand inching towards another one as Zeke cringed.

"Ah, come on man. This coulda happened to anyone." His eyes were wide and pleading, but all Tobias could really think of was Tris's wrath of a reaction and the predicament of having to sleep on the couch for the rest of the year and he found himself holding an red earth stained stone tightly in his left hand.

"Why is it, that whenever they learn _anything_, it's most possibly the worst thing ever and comes out of _your_ mouth?"

"Dude, I can swear to you that I did not intend for that to happen, it was just a slip of the tongue – you know. It could have just as easily been you – AYE, okay!" He flinched to the left, dodging the sharp edge of the stone. "I'm sorry! Holy fuc - ,"

"Are you kidding me?!"

Another rock soared, this time leaving a small dent in the metal door.

"Okay! So maybe I need to tone it down a bit."

Zeke stayed squatting down, but his hands lifted up above his head in the universal surrender sign and Tobias sighed before tossing the stone meant to dent Zeke's trashcan of a brain over the edge of the roof.

It's then that he realized he was still stuck way too far off the ground than he would have liked.

"_Fuck." _Tobias murmured, crouching down quickly and pulling his baby into his arms. There was no way in hell he'd let him near anything that high off the ground – no way in hell he'd let him out of his arms.

"Hey, language."

It's a weak attempt at most, because what Zeke is primarily focused on is the fact that his best friend – seemingly afraid of nothing – looked like he was about to lose his lunch and more in the next few seconds.

"Yo, Four?"

Tobias backed up all the way towards the door until his back hit the wall, and slowly slid down into a half seated crouching position forming a wall around his son.

Theo had already pressed his face tightly into his father's shirt, his fist twisting and turning in the fabric like he did whenever he was upset as his other hand clutched his dad's arm tightly.

"I don't wike it, Daddy. I don't wike it." He shook his head before burying it even further into Tobias's neck and Zeke watched as Tobias turned and pressed his face to his son's head.

"I don't like it either, baby." His voice is strangled and thick and Zeke finally manages to put two and two together before a smirk lands on his face.

"You're afraid of heights."

The way the words fall out is smug and amused and _so_ unlike the way Tris had said it that Tobias can really only let out a quick, sarcastic snarl before returning to his panic stricken state – and that gives Zeke all the confirmation he needs.

"You're afraid of heights! Four, the freaking Master of Darkness is afraid of heights!"

A yelp rang through the air as a strong gust of wind nearly knocked Zeke off the roof and, if he was capable of it, Tobias would have laughed. Unfortunately that required breathing and that was something he was finding very, _very_ hard to do at the moment.

"God, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

The mantra kept going as Zeke – pale and a little spooked – came teetering towards Tobias and away from the edge.

"Why hate _me_?" He asked innocently, crouching down next to his friend and staring at the open sky.

"Because you're the one that pushed us both out here and then shut the damn door." Even through fear, Tobias appeared lethal and Zeke tensed slightly at the tone.

"Well I'm sorry I wanted to show you, my best friend, my new kite."

Tobias groaned as another gust of wind ripped through the roof and pulled his knees in closer to him. He rested his elbows on them and gripped at his hair with shaking fingers, finding comfort in the little two year old laid curled up against his chest.

"Dude you really don't like heights, do you?"

A feeling of, 'ah, fuck it' coursed through Tobias as he pinched one eye open and glanced at his friend.

"It's one of my fears, Jackass," he managed through a strangled voice before snapping his eyes shut again.

Zeke stared at him with both a newfound respect and utter panic. The man only had four fears and this was one of them. He himself had nearly eleven and he could admit, right then, that if any of them were with him on this rooftop, he would have no problem pitching himself off of the roof.

"Okay, so I may have fucked up - ,"

"ZEKE!"

Tobias breathing started to increase – a frenzied _in_ and _out_ of air – and he let his head fall back against the wall as he clenched his eyes shut.

"Does the roof seem to be getting smaller?" Tobias managed out through panted breathes.

Zeke could only stare, wide eyed.

Another gust of wind burst through their little platform and a tiny yelp filled the air.

"Daddy! Weally don't wike it! Wanna go home!"

Zeke waited for a split second for a response before gently taking his godson into his arms, but it had seemed that Tobias was out of words.

And that was, more or less, the case. Between his own fear of heights and the new knowledge that his son shared that same, terrifying fear, and the fact that they were very much stuck up there, and the way the wind nipped beneath his t-shirt, and the realization that, oh, they were still fucking _very_ high up in the air on a very small surface, Tobias, quite frankly, was quickly losing his shit.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah baby, I'm here." His words were a whisper now, and he was trying his best to keep from shaking.

"Hey man, maybe you should take a deep breath. Are you cold -,"

"It's a panic attack, Zeke. Jesus, just stop- ,"

"Do you want me to do something, I can do something - ,"

"No, just shut - ,"

"Want me to sing? I hear my voice is sooth - ,"

"You're making it worse, just stop talking - ,"

"I can maybe hold you?"

"Oh fuck, you've done it." Tobias groaned, the attack triggered, before pushing himself up off against the wall and moving further away from the two of them and, unfortunately, closer to the edge. He dropped on his knees and leaned against the wall before just giving up and letting his legs collapse under him.

He was shaking and he knew it, but he couldn't stop it and he couldn't shake the feeling of everything closing in tightly on him.

Zeke stared in shock as the ragged breaths from his friend quickened and he scooped his godson up before trotting towards Tobias.

"Dude you need to slow your breathing, don't make me kiss you."

"Daddy?"

It was Theo that seemed to snap Theo out of his haze, but Zeke liked to pretend it was the mention of his kiss that picked him from the panic stricken waters.

"Keep t-talking, baby. Z-Zeke keep him t-talking," Tobias gasped with each word, not fully aware of how terrified he was making his son and best friend. This was one of the most vulnerable Zeke had ever seen his friend, the most being the time he had straight up broken down in front of him.

"Um, okay. Hey Theo, tell Daddy about what we were doing earlier, when he was working? C'mon buddy." It comes out as a question, because it's the only thing he can think of mentioning but it's also the one thing that will get him yelled at.

But it seems to calm down Theo's own panic stricken state as his eyes light up and he starts rattling off in baby gibber.

"We put poopy in Ewic's water and twicked Mommy."

"Poopy?" Even through his pants and clenched eyes, Tobias managed to sound incredulous and menacing all at once.

"A laxative." Was Zeke's simple reply, and he help up his fist for Theo as the two shared a small fist bump.

"You t-tricked Mommy, huh?" Tobias could control the shaking now, he could stop.

"Yeah, we, eh, kinda told her it was you who broke the dishwasher."

Now Tobias could open his eyes, and Zeke was all for it except for the fact that they were stark black and practically growling at him.

"You were the one who joked about bathing Bug in it!" Zeke held up his hands in surrender yet again, remembering vividly how he had placed his goddaughter in the dishwasher, only to have her yank out the racks and compartment door.

"Joked!" Tobias echoed, still trying to regain his breath. He shook his head, "God, Zeke, I can't breathe. I-It's the damn w-wind. It's freaking me out."

"On it."

Zeke slipped out of his jacket before handing Theo to Tobias. As if the baby were a life line, Tobias wrapped his arms tightly around his son and buried his face in his hair.

"I pwotect you, Daddy." It was a small voice, and quiet against the wind as the little boy's arms wrapped as much of his Daddy up as he could, just like he did when he had nightmares, and it made Tobias's heart swell to the point where his breath caught.

He would never tell Zeke that it was Theo who calmed him because, in all honesty, what Zeke did next was one of the only things closest to sweet that Zeke could do.

He took his jacket which was surprisingly large, as well as his new kite and stretched them out so he could wrap it around the three of them. Tobias heard the kite rip, but with the wind blocked out he was already breathing normal again, and seeing straight once more.

What he didn't expect was Zeke's face a couple inches from his own.

"Did it work?"

Tobias could only nod as he stared, oddly impressed, by the stark whiteness of Zeke's teeth.

"Sorry I locked us out here." Zeke murmured, smiling lightly at Tobias.

"S'fine. Sorry I ripped your kite and threw rocks at your head." Tobias countered, a smirk falling onto his own features.

A little voice piped up between the two of them, small and impish.

"Sowwy I peed."

"What-,"

The two men could barely get the word out before Tobias feels something faintly warm and wet seeping through the fabric on his knee.

"Not again," Tobias sighed, glancing down at his son, not even bothering trying to move. Things like this seemed to be becoming a daily occurrence and, as weird as it may seem, the smell of pee was quickly becoming something the two grown men linked with home.

"At least Tris and Shauna aren't here this tim - ,"

The sound of metal scraping against rocks pierced the wind and their little shelter, making the three boys jump.

"Zeke? Four?"

"Ah, shit."

"Fuck."

"_Theo_!"

**Please tell me what you think and if you have any ideas or requests, let me know! I have another one coming up soon featuring a fear of shadows and Uriah in a duck costume. PLEASE REVIEW AND THANKS FOR READING MY FRIENDS.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, this one's really weird, I gotta say. So, fair warning. Please review my beautiful friends. I love you all. Don't be freaked out if this is weird, it's just really late and I am so totally out of it. **

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Divergent as much as Uriah owned up to being the sexiest duck of all time. But I don't**

For someone who was very guarded and withdrawn, Four had an awful lot of trust in certain people – namely Zeke. It confounded many of the Dauntless, in all honestly, that such a rational and level headed young man could be so willing to place his life into the palms of his eccentric and highly unpredictable best friend (the same friend that thought shoving Four out of a three story window was justifiable because, quote, "there was a vine he could've grabbed onto and _he did_, dammit, tell 'em Four").

But he did, and he did so with full faith and confidence that whatever he threw at Zeke, Zeke wouldn't let him down, and vice versa.

And, Zeke's uncanny way of delivering back on that trust always made up for the lack of support the duo had from the Dauntless community.

Because, even in such a daring environment, the pair seemed to be the most explosive and lethal – literally, like the time when Four though it would 'lighten the mood' if he could light his best friend on fire (in his defense they were near a lake and Four had taken like _seven_ fire safety classes).

After that incident, he could up the count to eight. Apparently Tris had thought he had scrambled up the terms fire safety and fucking idiot in his head.

Yup, Zeke and Four were a dynamic duo, but they molded and meshed in ways that no one had ever seen – rational met outgoing, and furious intensity met subtle slyness, and it _worked_.

But, when a baby was added to the mix, the compound thought they were damn near crazy.

And it was funny, to see the whole society of audacious and brash people watching quietly from the sidelines in both fear and complete adoration as the two idiots managed to fuck practically everything up.

Sure, with one of the grown men being a Dauntless Prodigy and married to another one, there seemed to be some stability in the friendship/baby situation. And, yes, Zeke was a fierce fighter and loyal to a tee and simply had a kind heart with compassion and trust and everything that Four and Tris wanted to surround their child with.

But with a baby, the two lost any source of credibility in their common sense – especially since they were both completely and utterly clueless with what to do with one from the start.

Honestly, after the one time where many Dauntless members had seen Four actually _sprinting_ away from Tris down the hallway (apparently she was trying to get him to watch Theo by himself for_ five minutes _so she could pee), people had physically come up to Tris to offer babysitting services for both little Theo _and_ her husband and best friend because, let's face it, after the baby carrier incident, they both needed some supervision.

And, in all reality, everyone was just the slightest bit curious with what happened between the duo behind closed doors.

And that's what the entirety of Dauntless seemed to be wondering when a man came sprinting down the corridor, Zeke this time, and started pounding on apartment 46A.

"Yo, Four!" Zeke whisper-yelled, eyes widening as he turned around and noticed how many people had stopped in their tracks and turned to stare.

He jiggled at the door knob and sighed in relief as he felt the click of an open door – nevermind the fact that the idiots should probably start locking their doors because, hey, they had a baby now.

"Please Tris, you can't!"

Zeke froze, turned, and quickly shut the door behind him, not quite sure if he should really be in there or not. But he never really had any problem before with invading other people's privacy, and he didn't really feel the need to be bothered with it now, so it was only a slight pause that slowed him down before he moved into the living room.

"Tris, come on. Please?"

Zeke froze again.

Sure, Four had rang him to come right away, and yeah, he had sounded desperate, but if this was something that Tris was adamant about, there was no way in hell he was going to get in the middle of that war.

His eyes wandered over to the kitchen.

Four was sat on the kitchen stool, staring wide eyed and pleadingly at Tris – tiny baby Theo across from him in a high chair – as Tris leaned back against the counter top with her arms folded tightly over her chest.

Four knew he was in a losing battle, he saw the way Tris tilted her head slightly to the left, the way her eyebrow arched almost unnoticeably, saw the way sides of her mouth tugged upwards.

If he was going to lose though, he was damn sure going go down fighting.

He ran his hand over his face tiredly, not missing the fact that his 'five o'clock shadow' had morphed into stubbly beard. Tobias sat hunched on the stool, staring at his flannel pajama pants, not really caring that he seemed to be freezing without a t-shirt, or the fact that he was about to beg shamelessly to his wife.

With a puff of air he pushed off the stool and cornered Tris, clamping his hands on either side of her on the countertop, his eyes wide and erratic.

"You can't leave me alone with him, Tris."

"You'll be fine." She whispered slowly, barely holding in a laugh as he closed his eyes and shook his head furiously.

"Baby, he's just a baby," she tried again, this time not holding the chuckle in.

"That's exactly the point! I'm absolutely clueless, Tris. I almost just fed him an egg. _With the shell on. _He doesn't even have any teeth. An egg, Tris. Who gives a baby an egg? _I'm_ a freaking egg – oh God, I don't even know what I'm saying - ,"

Tobias's voice cuts off as he sags his head into the crook of Tris's neck. She can feel him frown when she laughs before she wraps her arms around him. She doesn't miss the stubble brushing against her neck, or the way Tobias sighs contently as he leans into her – doesn't miss the way she nearly falls asleep herself.

"You're not clueless, you're tired, there's a big difference."

"Both can get a baby killed."

It's a muffled response, but Tris hits his arm nonetheless.

"Hey! Don't say that. You'll be fine. If it helps, I'm more worried about you than Theo right now."

"Why do you always say that?"

"It's not why I always say it, really. It's why do I _have_ to always say it."

"See, I'm clueless. Don't leave me alone."

"I have to go to Abnegation - ,"

"Tris. What if he gets hungry?_ I'm. Not. Equipped."_

Tobias pulls back and gestures to his bare torso, the wide eyes back for round two. He grabs her face in his hands and runs a thumb over her lips, smiling at the way she closes her eyes.

"Just stay home, stay with us. We could all sleep - ,"

Theo's cry pierced the room for what seemed like the hundredth time that hour, and Tris's eyes snapped open as she slipped out from under her husband's grip.

"You'll be fine. He'll be fine. Don't worry." She walked over to her gaping husband, stood on her tip toes and planted a kiss on his lips, and then bent down to kiss the baby he now had in his arms.

"Be good for Daddy, okay baby? Let's not pee on him this time. I think that freaked him out."

She's at the door in a second, turning around one last time.

"Bye guys." She turned to look at Zeke, trying and failing to hide behind a lamp. "Bye Zeke," She laughed.

And she was gone, her laugh echoing in the room.

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Four had yelped when he saw Zeke standing behind the lamp, stomach sucked in as much as possible. He didn't know what he was appalled by more – the fact that his so called best friend had very openly watched him lose an argument without any back up, or the fact that Zeke actually thought a lamp was big enough to hide the turd.

Zeke, on the other hand, didn't have time for modesty and had run over to see the tattoo on his best friend's back – and that was a long story to tell.

"So like, it all means something?"

Tobias nodded his head wearily, digging through his closet to find a shirt to put on. He hadn't thought he was going to be sharing something so heavy with his friend that morning, but, then again, he also didn't think he would have found Zeke trying to practically become a lamp. (Zeke mentioned to him that after his experience of being set on fire, he definitely felt more in tune with a lamp than with the human species).

"And no one else has really seen it?"

Again he nods.

"Tris has, right?"

"Zeke?"

Zeke's head snaps up and he looks at Four expectedly.

"I have a baby."

"Cool. I have a rock." He says innocently, pulling one out of his pocket and grazing over it with his thumb – Tobias knew he had one in there. Zeke always kept a rock in his pocket. Something about it being a last resort if he ever got attacked.

"So, has Tris seen it?"

"Zeke. I. Have. A. Baby."

"Cool man. I. Have. A. Rock." Zeke furrowed his eyebrows at his friend, mimicking his tone, before opening his mouth again.

"So, has Tris -,"

"How do you make a baby, idiot?"

"Ah."

There's a momentary pause before Zeke's face morphs into a smirk.

"You sexual deviant, you."

The tips of Four's ears don't even have time to turn red because right then, there little impromptu conversation was placed on hold when Theo somehow managed to grasp the rock that Zeke had placed on the dresser.

And then proceeded to stick it in his mouth.

"No, no, no, no, no, no," Four stammered out before pulling his son's hand away from his mouth, causing a whole new boatload of tears to start streaming down his face.

The rock dropped from Theo's hand and hit the ground – if they had thought the tears were bad before, nothing seemed to compare to the screams emitting from Theo as the trio all stared down at the rock for a few seconds.

"Man down, man down," Zeke muttered to himself as he bent down to pick up the rock. It was then Four noticed the small face drawn on the rock, and didn't know whether to believe it or chalk it up to his sleep deprivation.

Theo made grabby hands for the rock as soon as it was back in his line of sight, but Zeke had already slipped it away.

Apparently Theo thought it was the end of the world or something because, within seconds, he was all tears and snot again and Four's attempts at rocking him and cooing to him were all but futile. Zeke's singing seemed to make it worse, for both father and son, and they soon found themselves huddled around the phone as Four bobbed up and down, trying to call in there next line of defense.

Uriah.

And though it probably wasn't the smartest idea to call Uriah for help, because, let's face it, if there was anyone more clueless than Zeke and Four in the Compound about babies, it was the younger Pedrad – it was still a better idea than no idea.

They all sighed in relief when the phone was picked up, the two of them too concerned with Theo's cries to actually noticed that the man they called was absolutely plastered.

"Uriah. We need your help. He won't stop crying."

"What?"

"Theo ate a rock, man!"

And in the haze of booze and alcohol that seemed to be clouding Uriah's thoughts – no matter the fact that it was only twelve in the afternoon – he seemed to hear something completely different.

"I'm on it bro. I'll be there."

Even after the phone clicked off, Theo was still bawling – little hiccups making their way into the process as his nose grew redder and his cheeks wetter.

"Hey baby, come on. It's okay. Daddy's here. Daddy's got you. It's okay baby. Come on, honey, you need to calm down."

Four bounced up and down, offering sweet nothings to his little boy as Zeke stared in amazement – both of them a little more than surprised by how easily the words and motions came to Four.

Maybe he was actually pretty okay at this.

He cradled his son's head tenderly, before pressing him close to his chest, feeling Theo's soft hair tickle his nose as he inhaled the baby scent that he had come to love.

But as much as he tried, nothing seemed to quell the tears. And, after about half an hour, it had gotten to the point to which Four thought Theo was going to make himself sick.

After that proclamation, Four scrambled around to find a shirt – insistent on paying Tori a visit. She had gotten him out of a freaking baby contraption once, so he figured she could also calm a baby down easy peasy.

Unfortunately, slipping on a shirt while trying to pick up a pacifier from the coffee table while _also_ trying to hand a child over to one's best friend is never a suitable idea (no matter how many fire safety classes were claimed to be taken) and somehow, someway, Four found himself falling right into the damn thing. The corner of the table nicked against the side of his forehead, tearing the skin, and within a matter of seconds he started to look like something out of a horror movie.

As they say, head wounds tend to bleed a lot.

But the two were so tied up with the crying baby that none of them seemed to notice the trail of blood trickling down Four's face.

Or the fact that Four was only in pajama pants and a backwards shirt as they raced down the hall.

Or the fact that they looked absolutely hysterical with a half clothed, bleeding man, a screaming baby, and another blubbering, freaked out man cradling a rock in his right palm as they sprinted to Tori's.

Not to mention how, not even ten seconds later, a flash of feathers and bright yellow trailed after them, the words, "Wait!" being yelled every now and again.

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Tori was met with quite a sight. She didn't have to look up to know who it is, though. They came in _at least _two times a week like the world was about to end and though they always seemed on the brink of tears and insanity, it never failed to amaze her how utterly stupid yet so compassionately thoughtful Zeke and Four were around little Theo.

Four was freaking out, like usual, telling the story from the beginning to end like a racehorse, not pausing for anything except to ask if a baby can get sick from sucking on a rock for, say, two point five seconds. (He doesn't wait for an answer though; he never does in these situations). She knew he didn't notice the trail of blood on his face, or the gash that's definitely going to require stiches – another thing she found admirable because, even though she knew it had to at least sting for the man who seemed to feel no pain, he completely seemed to dismiss it absentmindedly because of his son.

Zeke was practically crying – a great, big, blubbering mess because, if what Tori can make out is what actually happened, he was absolutely petrified at the fact that his rock might have made his godson sick.

Neither of the two men noticed Tori shaking her head with a smirk, or the fact that Theo's tears were slowing because in the next second, Four glanced down at his son and saw a small spot of blood on the front of Theo's onesie and all but lost his shit, still not aware of the fact that the blood was actually _his_.

"He's bleeding, Tori. _Oh my God."_

It was a blur of flannel and panicked men that Dauntless saw careening down the hallways, Tori chasing after them, trying to tell them that they were literally acting like idiots, and, yet again, a vague blur of yellow and feathers.

"Alec?" Four gasped, completely out of breath and absolutely confused about why the entire left side of his forehead was burning. "Alec, man, you gotta help me. Theo licked a rock because this idiot -,"

"I didn't mean to leave it there he just picked it up and, God, Four, I'm sorry man - ,"

"Left a freaking rock on the dresser and then he started crying - ,"

"I don't know why he went for the rock, Alec. I swear. It's like he's addicted to bad things - ,"

"And we couldn't calm him down so we took him to Tori's - ,"

"Anyway I have the rock with me if you want to test it - ,"

"And _then_, I looked down and saw _blood_ on Theo's shirt and - ,"

"For anything bad. I didn't mean for him to lick it! Four, man, I'm sorry."

"And so we raced here, and-and, God, why does my head hurt?"

The two men looked up, both panting, both completely unaware that everything they had been saying for the past minute had completely flown right over the doctor's head. In all honesty, they had lost him at "Theo licked a rock."

And then, quite comically and ill timed, Uriah burst through the infirmary doors decked head to toe in a full blown duck costume, looking way too proud of himself, and _way_ too drunk.

"I am here, my friends. You have called, I have come."

"Uriah, what the hell?" It was Zeke who called at him, completely bewildered at his brother's choice of clothing – though it was a wonder why he was even surprised at all. This was the kid that only dressed normally two times a year.

"What? _You_ called me man, remember? Said, 'Yo! We need a duck!'" Uriah said matter-of-factly, completely ignoring everyone's stares and completely and fully owning the fact that he was dressed as a waddling creature.

"_NO_. I said, 'Theo ate a rock!'"

It was silent for a full thirty seconds before Four was back at it with the questions and pleading for Alec to help him out, Zeke chiming in every few seconds for backup. Alec, on the other hand, seemed to be more concerned with the fact that Four's left side of the face was covered in blood and that he had no knowledge of the fact.

"Alec, help. Me."

"Four - ,"

"God, I'm so tired, Theo won't stop crying, there's blood on his onesie – did you know I tried to feed him an egg _with the shell_ this morning? He doesn't have teeth, Alec."

In the background, Uriah piped up, "Not my children!," but after years of dealing with a drunk Uriah, everyone had learned that it was best to ignore him, as to not spur him on.

"Four. You need to calm down – Zeke you too -,"

"But - ,"

"Four! Listen to me. Theo's not crying, okay, he's sleeping. Look."

Four glanced down at his son, nearly crying in relief when he saw the telltale sign of Theo's drowsiness – his small hand clenched tightly around a fistful of his shirt.

"Theo isn't bleeding either, you idiots." Tori managed as she finally arrived in the infirmary. "_You_ are."

She eyed Four heavily before Alec moved up, coming closer to inspect the gash on Four's forehead.

"But the rock – could it make him sick?" Zeke's eyes widen as he pestered on, leaning forward when he got no answer.

"Okay, you too need to calm down. Theo's fine, you're fine, everyone's fine. You're going to need stiches and about a week's worth of sleep, though," Alec said, his eyes raised pointedly at Four.

"But - ,"

"_Chill_! You guys could be the poster children for unnecessary panic, seriously!"

"Men. We're men, Alec." Zeke deadpanned.

It took Alec shoving some Xanax down both men's throats to get them both to calm down – more for Four because he absolutely _would not_ sit still for stitches. Alec let Four know that, because of his and his friend's complete idiocy, he now owed Tris a shitload of his points and a week's worth of Dauntless cake. (Apparently she had bet that Four would pay a visit to either Tori or him and she hit the jackpot with both – Four was absolutely appalled).

And, by the time they left the hospital, Uriah had sobered up significantly and had to haul both men home, as well as a fast asleep Theo, while maintaining a viable image in his duck get up. He even managed to collect a few numbers and he liked to say it was because of his impeccable duck outfit – he would never admit it was because of the little baby he had cradled in his right arm.

To say the least – the Dauntless were even less than sure in Theo's survival. But they all knew, deep down, that the worry and care the two idiots had shown were exactly what he needed and more.

Uriah was a completely different story.

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It was a miracle they all managed to get home in one piece, and after the day's incident, Tobias wanted nothing more than to keep his baby close to him. He fashioned a make do baby sling out of one of Tris's old shirts and practically swaddled Theo to his chest.

If anything, Theo seemed to love it just as much as his father did – something about the warmth and the knowledge that neither one of them were going anywhere anytime soon comforted the duo more than any amount of Xanax or chill pills could.

Tobias fell asleep on the floor beside the couch within a matter of seconds, one hand wrapped securely around the bundle on his chest, and the other folded under his head as a makeshift pillow. Zeke was sprawled across the couch, feet dangling off of one end and arms off the other.

Everything seemed fine, _normal_ actually, as Tris walked through the door silently, spying her sleeping boys sprawled out in the living room.

She didn't miss the bandage covering Tobias's forehead though, or the way Theo was strung to her husband like a koala bear to a eucalyptus tree.

_Or_ the fact that Uriah was sat in the middle of the living room in a giant duck costume, complete with webbed feet and a beak, talking avidly and thoroughly to a wide awake Theo who was spread out on Tobias's chest, inquiring about the height to weight ratio of him and Tobias _and_ the possibilities of creating an algorithm to see who would win between himself and Tobias if they were to have a race rolling down a steep hill.

His duck costume included, of course.

"Theo ate a rock."

Yup, everything was absolutely normal.

**Okay, very crazy, very random, completely off topic, and not what I had in mind with the Uriah in a duck costume thing but some of you wanted a baby baby Theo, and the one I was going to write involved him being at least four so I compromised. I'll write that one later. **

**Anywho, I don't exactly know how this turned out because it's 3:22 AM and I'm soooooo tired and completely out of it, I can't even think of basic English salamis. Words. I meant words. Anyway, I'm still going to post this so fingers crossed it makes at least a little bit of sense. PLEASE REVIEW MY FRIENDS!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys, I know it's been a long time but school and testing and everything that life has to offer has been keeping me really busy lately. I truly apologize for the long wait, I just can never find the time to write and when I do, I'm sleeping within minutes. **

**Also, I want to apologize if this doesn't seem like my normal writing. I haven't written anything in a long, long while so this may be a bit rusty.**

**Also (sorry for saying sorry again) sorry if this isn't really as funny as the others. I know this series focuses around Tobias and Zeke dealing with baby Theo, but I thought it would be fun and cool to write a little segment where the tykes are teenagers, just to show that they still manage to throw the Dauntless duo off their game. **

**It's a bit more sentimental and nostalgic with them growing up and Tobias realizing that – something that is paralleling me growing up and my life right now. **

**Don't worry, it'll be back to the baby shenanigans soon enough!**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**PLEASE REVIEW MY LOVELY FRIENDS!**

**Also, the Olympic ceremony was pretty cool, eh? Any United States, Sri Lankan, or Romanian fans out there?**

**REVIEW PLEASE THANK YOU SO MUCH!**

**Disclaimer: I'll own the Divergent series when Tobias and Zeke own some responsibility. So, naturally, never.**

**Also, I haven't really come up with a name for Theo's sister, or Four's first daughter. I've just taken to calling her Four's pet name for her – Bug – until I think of one. **

**WARNING: MENTION OF DRUGS.**

_Four realizes his babies aren't exactly babies anymore, and the realization hits him far harder than any train ever did. _

He doesn't notice the transition at first – the subtle steps into independence and distance that his eldest son and daughter take. He still has two younger ones after all, and they're a handful in itself, so when his son starts sneaking in and out of the house later and later each night and his daughter suddenly starts staining her lips red, he doesn't find it any more different than Theo crawling haphazardly around or his little girl grinning with pizza sauce dripping off her lips.

Zeke doesn't notice either. Then again, his own life became much more hectic when a set of twins fell into his lap. And, though the legendary duo of Four and Zeke became much better at handling sticky hands and toddling feet, the two had no clue what to do with a set of teenagers, especially when Four came frantically banging at Zeke's door in the middle of the night, eyes wide and mouth dry.

"They're gone."

"Wha-,"

Zeke's half-awake response is cut short as Four's hands come grabbing at his shoulders.

"My. Kids. Are. Gone."

Four's normally stoic eyes have a frantic twinge to them, and Zeke's haze instantly snaps away as he takes in his friend's disheveled state. Four's youngest two are both grabbing at his pants, leaning tiredly against the agitated man's legs, and it calms Zeke just a little to know that the Four and him were past their days of accidently leaving their kids behind (unfortunately a frequent event when Theo happened to be the first and only baby they had ever been in control of).

"Well fuck man, not again."

It's a simple statement enough, but the mere fact the word "again" had to come out of Zeke's mouth makes Four want to bash his head against the wall and then some. Of course this happens when Tris is out of town. It's a wonder, he thinks, how he can fuck up so many times when he'd been at this game for years now. It's a long shot, but the small prayer he shoots up at whoever's up there for his youngest two to grow up saner than his first two has him feeling all the more insane – something quite frequent these days.

"At least they're not toddlers this time."

Zeke's smile is hopeful, but Four's growl has it falling within seconds. He knows his kids aren't toddlers anymore – Theo teetering on the edge of sixteen and seventeen and his daughter right behind. But he can't help but hope – can't help but desperately wish – that the two would just strap themselves down to the couch for just _one fucking day._

"I get _this_ one down," Four starts, gesturing at the younger of the two kids whose thumb is wedged firmly in his small mouth, "and then _this_ one wants a snack." He gently places his hand on the other small child's head, his fingers weaving into the golden strands that are exactly Tris's.

"And then I get her settled down, and then her brother wants another story. And when they finally go to bed, I go and find that my oldest and supposedly most "responsible" two are missing. I'm lost, man! When did they start fucking with me on purpose? It was cute before, but now - ,"

"Swear jar, Daddy."

Blue eyes meet blue as Four shoots a playful frown at his youngest son.

"You too, Uncle Zeke."

All three Eatons look up with small grins, the terror and hectic nature of the moment temporarily forgotten. Nothing simple ever seems to last long though.

"Are you kidding me?"

Four stares at Zeke, who had somehow managed to fall asleep not only standing, but leaning heavily and uncomfortably against the doorframe. It's only with a swift kick to the door that Four manages to wake Zeke and the entire household and soon enough it's Shauna who's carting off Four's youngest ones for an impromptu sleepover, leaving the clueless duo to themselves once again.

"At least Shauna doesn't know _why_ we need to leave the house this late at night." Zeke's smile is once again hopeful, and Four can't help but shake his head at his overly optimistic friend.

"Honestly Zeke, it's been like this long enough. She's probably already on the phone with Tris by now."

They search the Pit, but honestly, only people who _want_ to get caught hang around there. Four is more on edge than ever, because everywhere he looks he sees girls the same age as his daughter wrapped in the arms of some idiot boys.

Flashes of blonde keep catching his eye, and in an instant he finds himself wrenching some green eyed charmer boy off of a girl.

"Get your hands off my - ,"

Four stops dead in tracks, his words falling short when he realizes the girl before him has piercings all over her face and no trace of blue in her eyes. He would mumble an apology, but Four has gained the reputation of not owing _anyone_ anything and, despite the fact that he had four kids, he still had the prodigious aura and quiet strength that he'd always possessed.

Besides, he was more interested in the fact that he had just found his son's best friend lip locked with a girl much, much older than him _way_ his past curfew.

"Uh hi."

"Yeah hi, you idiot." Zeke smirks at his nephew as Four grabs his godson by the ear and pulls him to the edge of the chasm.

"Nice night." Nathan, Uriah's oldest son, grimaces as he stares up into Four's now black eyes.

"Mm yeah, I guess it is," Four smirks. "Pity you really can't appreciate it though, with your face all nice and cozy up next to that girl's."

Nathan gulps. It's always a mystery how his godfather and uncle could go from playful idiots sneaking him and Theo small sips of beer to the scowling landmine waiting to burst right in front of him.

Tris was always his favorite anyways.

There's a lot of fish-like gawking as Nathan opens and closes his mouth, flailing around for any kind of excuse. He knows what's coming next and he'd rather jump into the chasm than snitch on his best friends.

But Four's scary as fuck.

"A party? They're at a damn party?!"

Four knows he shouldn't be so surprised – his kids are growing up in Dauntless after all – but he still can't shake the shock that's spreading through every inch of his body when he hears the word "Amity" slip out of Nathan's mouth.

It's even worse, Four thinks, when he hears what Nathan says next.

"Not Bug though. I pretty sure she's with her boyfriend."

For a second he can't breath and in the next second it feels like someone's taking a knife to his chest.

Boyfriend. _Boyfriend?_

He doesn't realize he's sagging heavily against the fence near the chasm until Zeke's smacking him lightly in the face, mumbling nonsense Four has no interest in hearing.

"Yo, man. You good?"

"She has a boyfriend?"

It's a whisper, so Zeke has a hard time hearing it. But he does, and he can't help but sympathize with the heartbroken man in front of him when he thinks of his own little girl.

Whatever sympathies Zeke wants to say, though, are cut off as Four jabs forward and grabs Nathan by the shirt.

"Where the hell are they?"

"I don't know. Honest!" he adds as Four's eyebrows rise to his hairline.

"Look Nathan, believe it or not, we were your age once and I know how you little perverts think."

"Woah, chill man," Zeke's suave voice cuts through the air and Four takes a step back.

He doesn't know whether to be proud or sorry of how terrified Nathan looks, but he takes a step back nonetheless.

"Sorry man," Four smooths out Nathan's shirt and gives him a small pat. "But I'll gladly throw Zeke and your father into the chasm before my little girl goes off with some guy.

"Wait, what?" Zeke's voice pops back into the conversation, completely and utterly ignored by the Dauntless prodigy and his godson.

"Honest, Uncle Four. I don't know where they are. I don't even know the guy's name. I'm pretty sure he's a bit older than us - ,"

Four growls loudly as he pinches the bridge of his nose, but it's quickly cut off by a small, hesitant voice.

"Dad?"

There's a slight pause, and then it's Four spinning around wildly to face an almost exact copy of Tris. She's wringing her hands and biting her lip, and she knows that he knows that they both know she is in _so much trouble._

"Boyfriend?"

It's a small whisper at first.

"What the hell, Nathan," Four's daughter hisses, her glare as piercing as her father's.

"Boyfriend?"

His voice rises slightly.

"Dad - ,"

"Boyfriend?"

This time a bit louder.

"Dad, just listen - ,"

"_Boyfriend!?"_

It's a surprise Four's yell doesn't wake up the entire compound, but he doesn't care because all he can see is his little girl – his tiny, precious, little, _innocent_ baby girl nodding her head in conformation and he's done.

He shuts his eyes slowly, his breath shallow and his mind foggy. He doesn't know how he should react to this, because all he's ever known were little footstep and small, chime-like laughter, and the short, quick tug he'd always get on his arm in the middle of the night when she wanted a snack. He doesn't know how to think of her not needing him or how to think of her as anything but the little girl that would run towards him at full speed as he picked her up from school. _He_ was supposed to be the only man she'd ever love. Not some hood rat teenage boy.

He ever rarely feels like crying – it isn't normal to him. The feeling of wetness forming in his eyes or the tightness that radiates down his throat makes him cringe, but it's all he feels as he realizes that his baby standing so guiltily in front of him is now a teenager. Sure she was his little girl – she _always_ would be – but she was growing up.

It's then Four realizes his babies aren't exactly babies anymore, and the realization hits him far harder than any train ever did, and he'd gladly take the shattered leg and crushed ribs over and over again if he could just get his girl to stay little.

When he reopens his eyes, there's no anger.

It's scary how calm he is – scary how one second he was seething, and the next he looked like a kicked puppy.

It's even worse when he starts stammering, when he looks from Zeke to Nathan to his little girl with a lost look and wide eyes.

"H-how? When? _Why_?"

It's almost like a plea and the last word is punctuated so firmly with sadness it makes Zeke's own little heart break.

"Oh, Dad," Four's daughter's eyes almost replicate his own. They're dark and sad, eyebrows furrowing in the middle. She can't help but feel sorry as her father stands before her, sputtering nonsense as his eyes grow steadily wetter.

"How old is he?"

"17."

It's comical, really, how Four's eyes seem to quite literally spring out of his head. None of them know how long Four stood this way, eyes bulging and mouth hanging slack, but what they do know is how tense Four becomes, the vain in his forehead more prominent than ever.

"_17_?"

His voice is almost shaking with anger, but all Four's daughter can do is roll her eyes at her father's reaction.

"That's a whole two years older than you!"

"You're a whole two years older than Mom!"

"Th-That's -," Four's voice frizzles out as he realizes the ironic truth behind the matter. Still, he's the Dad and he'd be damned if he was letting his little girl goof off with some boy.

"That's not the point! You're 15!"

"So?"

"So? _So?_" Four looks around at Zeke, eyes wide, begging for his friend to agree with him. "So, you're way too young to be having a boyfriend! Nathan's your boyfriend, see," he grabs Nathan and pulls him in front of him, comically gesturing to the boy with frantic eyes. "He's a boy, and he's your friend!"

Four looks back at Zeke, encouraging him to add on.

"Yeah, Bug. And Alec's your boyfriend," Zeke chimes in, referencing his son. "Cause, you know, he's your friend, and a boy."

"He's 9."

"Exactly."

"And me! I'm your boyfriend!" Four's now gesturing at himself desperately.

"Ew Dad, gross."

"Cause I'm a boy, and I'm your friend. I'm your best friend! You're not supposed to like any other boys, Bug. You're supposed to be _my_ baby girl, _my_ little bug." Four's voice slowly trails off, the craziness gone, and he stands there staring at his daughter, a hurt expression etched across his normally emotionless features.

It's hard to comfort a man who the rest of the world thinks doesn't need it, but Four's daughter has only ever known the man she sees behind closed doors – the loving husband and purely compassionate father he only really is – and it's easy, then, for her to wrap her arms around her dad and pull him close.

"I'll always be your little bug, Dad."

Her voice is muffled as Four smooshes his daughter against his chest, resting his nose against her hair, trying desperately to calm the burning feeling in his eyes and throat. He notices everything then – how she reaches just under his nose, how her eyes are done up with subtle hints of makeup just like Christina taught her, even how she holds herself confident and poised – a grown up version of what was once little hands and midnight snacks.

"So heartwarming, really, I'm touched. But Four, we still got the other half of the fuck up duo to find. I say this endearingly," Zeke adds as his goddaughter turns to him with a scowl.

It's like the Eaton kids have some sort of timer in them, because as soon as Zeke mentions Theo, it's Four's phone ringing and a panicked boy trying to play it cool on the other line.

"Why didn't we think to call them earlier," Zeke mutters, watching Four scrabble around his pockets for the ringing device.

"You guys aren't exactly the brightest when it comes to dealing with these things." Four's daughter's voice deadpans, her eyebrows rising almost exactly like her father's.

Four rolls his eyes as he picks up the call, and sighs in relief when he hears his son's voice. The relief soon turns to anger, though, when he realizes the voice isn't as sober as a sixteen year old's should be.

"Sup Dad."

Four swears he can _feel_ his hair turning gray. It's even worse a feeling when he sees his daughter try to saunter off out of the corner of his eye. He grabs her arm without even turning to look at her and the exasperated growl he's greeted with only reaffirms the idea that his kids _want _him to go crazy. He doesn't know, really, how he's managed all these years with four kids – he could barely wrangle down one before the other was running off again.

It's Nathan who's trying to escape the notable crime scene next, and Four forgets he only has two hands as he grabs at Nathan's t-shirt, dropping his phone and half of his dignity.

He lets an exasperated laugh fall from his lips because he realizes the reason he was always on the losing side was because there was a literal army of their kids going against them.

He's even more frustrated when he looks up and sees Zeke casually leaning against the chasm's fence, picking at his fingernails.

"Hey dumbass, little help here?"

It's a comical sight, really – Four standing tall and broad with his daughter's arm caught in one hand and Uriah's boy's shirt crumpled in a fist in the other, a phone lying on the floor. Unfortunately, for the Dauntless compound, it was a usual sight – so usual, in fact, that for the past sixteen years everyone knew that if they saw one of the kids, a tired and frantic father would be somewhere close behind.

There are annoyed expressions on everyone's faces and a voice yelling "dad" over and over again from the plastic cellular device at their feet before Zeke finally decides to get up off his ass and help the poor soul in front of him.

He picks up the phone and gently places it to Four's ear. It's not exactly the help he wanted – he would've rather Zeke grabbed one of the kids – but it's help enough.

"Dad? Dad? Four? Tobias? Dad - ,"

"Yeah bud, I'm here."

Four can almost hear the relief in his son's voice but cringes at the words coming out of his mouth.

"So I'm sorta kinda drunk right now – I don't know how it happened, Dad, I swear - a-and it's getting really crazy here. Like really crazy. Like more crazy than Dauntless. And our ride left and I don't know wha-,"

"Where are you?"

"Are you mad?"

"Just – Theo, just tell me where you are."

"Amity." It comes out as a little squeak and Four rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, you idiot, I know. _Where _in Amity?"

"Wait, you know?"

Four sighs, glancing at his daughter, and he doesn't miss the taunting smirk she has on her face at her brother getting in trouble.

"Oh don't worry, Bug. You get to tell Mom what you did tonight."

Her smirk is gone almost as quickly as it came because, if there was one thing the Eaton kids knew, it was that Four was the total softie in the parenting duo.

"Wait, why's Bug in trouble?"

Four directs his attention back to the call, trying to ignore the hectic nature of the situation, only to notice the phone had miraculously disappeared from his ear.

"She was out with her _boyfriend_."

"Zeke, give me back the phone."

"_Boyfriend?!"_ Theo's voice is shrill and sharp and it's everything Four can do not to snort at his daughter's horrified expression.

"_Dad."_

"Hey, can you let go of me Uncle Four. I won't run, promise," Nathan's voice, bored as ever, rings through the air.

"Oh, Nathan! Hey buddy!"

"Sup, Theo!"

"Zeke put the phone back to my ear, for God's sake!"

As the cool metal touches Four's ear, he hears a loud crash echoing from the other side of the line before it goes dead. He pinches the bridge of his nose, the feeling of a grand headache taking over, and looks up at Zeke.

"Well shit."

It's a bit of a hassle trying to get Bug and Nathan to stay at the compound. When mention of a party at Amity struck their ears, both were bouncing with joy.

"Ohh can I come."

"No," both Four's and Zeke's voices ring out loud and clear, and Four's daughter's hands shoot up in defense as she mutters a snarky 'alright.'

Nathan's another story, but it's a good thing he has Uriah's genes because within minutes he's passed out on Zeke's couch. Shauna's not entirely thrilled to be woken up again, nor is she thrilled at the idea of being saddled down with four young kids and two teenagers for the night, but the sheer satisfaction at seeing the two Dauntless men so frazzled and wiped made up for the fact.

It's only when the two reach Amity that Four really let's everything hit him.

"What the fuck man?"

His screech rattles Zeke awake so quickly his body jerks awkwardly against the seat belt, leaving a small indent on his chest.

"Wha – I'm up."

"When did they start kissing boys? When did they start drinking?"

Zeke shrugs, "Well the first time I got drunk I was 11, so I think you're doing a swell job."

Four stares at Zeke wearily before jumping out of the car.

"C'mon. Let's go get the other dumbass."

It's all weed. Everywhere – just a dim, red haze coating every surface and fogging up every window as Four and Zeke enter the room. Four knows it's the right place, because only Amity would string up signs saying "Super Fun Party" all over the house.

It's completely different from a Dauntless party, though, because where the Dauntless like loud and brash and psychotic amounts of alcohol, Amity preferred the subdued nature that only certain narcotics could provide.

There were drugs everywhere, though, and while Four knew wholly and completely that his son would never ever snort a line of coke, he could already feel the effects of the weed laced air, even after being there for only ten minutes.

What was more was that everywhere he looked, all he could see were strewn out bodies and dazed eyes and little flashes of peace signs every once in a while.

There's a low grumble, and Four looks to his left to see Zeke staring longingly at the platters of food spilled out on the table beside him. Zeke helps himself to some punch and then some, grabbing all the leftover bits of sweets he can find.

Four shrugs. It can't exactly hurt to have a snack, he thinks, especially since he's come to the conclusion that once Tris hears word of what happened, he'll never be able to eat or _live _again.

He has absolutely no idea how to find his son. He honestly has absolutely no idea what's even going on after half an hour of looking. Everything around him seemed to be so familiar, yet the voice he could hear through the fog in front of him– the only person in the entire house who would even respond to him – kept telling him his son hadn't been there before – ever.

"Look, he called me, told me he was here."

He hears a subdued reply – a quiet "nope" – and then nothing.

"Do you want to fight me, bud? Tell me where my son is."

The same small response greets Four's ears, and he's all but ready to throw a frustrated swing into the haze.

"Look mate, just tell me. Pretty tall, brown hair, blue eyes, can't miss him."

Four stands there for a minute before stepping a bit closer.

"Oi, don't fuck with me, idiot!"

"Dad? Who are you talking to?"

Four whips around suddenly, eyes flashing and looking for the familiar voice. He sees the dark brown hair in front of him, he sees the blue eyes, and he can't help but feel strangle at the sight.

"Me," Four whispers.

"What?" Theo frowns at his dad, his head cocking slightly to the side. "Dad, it's me. Let's go."

"Four," Four's voice punctuates the air as he states his name firmly, reaching out to touch his son's face. "Why is the mirror talking?"

"Dad, it's me. It's Theo."

"No, it's me."

Theo stares, bewildered at his father.

"I'm not a reflection – oh my god dad, are you high?!"

"What, no!"

"Dad, you were just threatening a wall!"

There's a bit of a moment where Four's brain cycles to reality. He tells his son he's not high – no – in fact, he goes on to tell Theo just how much trouble he was going to be in when they got home. It's a lengthy conversation, but when Four looks up, he just sees a befuddled boy looking back at him.

"Why do you keep staring at me? Dad?"

"Did you not just hear anything I just said?" Four questions, his eyes frantically searching his son's own.

"You didn't say anything."

_Yes I did_, Four thinks. He says it out loud – or he thinks he does. He isn't really sure if he's even talking anymore, and he looks up blankly at his son.

"I ate a brownie," he shamefully admits.

"Ah."

There's a loud crash, and a red eyed, stumbling Zeke makes his way into the room with a bag of chips in one hand and the collar of some random kid's shirt in the other.

"Four, mate, I got him. Found him sittin' in the closet."

"Uncle Zeke, I'm right here." Theo laughs as he watches his godfather do a double take, quickly releasing the redheaded boy he had been holding on so tightly too.

"Well fuck."

It's a miracle Theo is able to drag the stoned duo back to the compound. By the time his father and godfather had come poking around for him, Theo had sobered up, and the only difficulty he had to face was the feat of stuffing his two _very high _guardians into the back of the car.

For some reason Four had developed an obsession with staring prominently at Theo, reaching out every now and then to stroke his face. Zeke, who'd been stoned on multiple occasions, just took to munching away happily on the bag of potato chips he had stolen from Amity.

It's almost 4 a.m. by the time they reach the compound, and as much as Theo just wants to go home and crash, he can't help but feel completely inadequate when it comes to trying to wrangle the two Dauntless leaders into bed.

He truly tries for a good thirty minutes, and after his father pulls him into another five minute hug for the fifth time, muttering about cloning and reflections and nonsense, he's close to just letting them run lose for a while in the compound.

He nearly cries tears of joy when the clock hits 6 a.m. and he hears his mother coming in quietly through the door.

"Mom! Oh my gosh, thank God!" He runs into Tris's arms and, despite being a good foot taller than her, drops his head into her chest. "Please don't ever leave me alone with those two idiots again!"

Tris sighs, running her fingers through her son's hair as glances up at the couch where Four and Zeke lay tangled together in a spooning mess.

"I swear," she laughs quietly, "some things just never change."

**Please review my friends. Sorry for any errors or typos. Thanks so much! I love and appreciate you all!**


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